If only I could come up with a good enough title....

So Joshua called me yesterday morning.

And this morning. ;) So that angst has passed.

My expectations of perfection, however, have not.

My assumption, and fear, that my needy cat would scare away Joshua is rather interesting. And the truth is, I'm this flawed human, and while I don't expect perfection in others, regardless of my awareness of my perfectionism issue, that knot doesn't seem to be loosening. All that happens is I'm slowly correcting some of my myriad of imperfections. But my need for perfection, my underlying belief that I am unlovable without perfection remains.

I guess I don't really understand how love works. I look at women who's lives are totally out of control, and they have partners, and I wonder how anyone could love them. I see women who are gorgeous and total bitches and men love them. Then there's me. Pretty, but a little plump. Loyal and giving, but smart and opinionated. Self sufficient, and yet yearning to be claimed. I seem to be on the outside looking in.

I don't have the same presumption of perfection for men. Hell, when John thought he might have ALS, it never occurred to me I'd do anything other than be with him the whole time.

On the other hand, I am aware that I have high standards. I spoke with a guy off the internet last night, and he just bored me. Completely and totally bored me. He probably had an IQ of 120; he wasn't stupid. But he wasn't quick, wasn't interested in a conversation as much an an audience. I just felt trapped! (And I was playing video games while he was talking, and I still felt trapped.)

(I only have one close friend in a serious relationship, and I would never agree to a relationship on the terms that she has. She basically supports him and their child completely financially, so that their relationship doesn't reduce his dreams of being an artist. I don't expect a man to support me; I think I would actually be uncomfortable if he did. But I would have a very hard time supporting a 45-year old guy who wanted to be a rock star and was only getting local bookings that covered only his drinks. I just couldn't. Maybe that's why I'm single.)

I'm also rigid. I was chatting with a guy, and he wanted to chat on yahoo and I said "I don't use yahoo" and he said 'get an account' and I said "I think they're evil." I explained about the bloggers in China that yahoo identified and testified, that the Chinese government imprisoned and he said "I don't care what your reasons are." As if I would ever

I guess I was hoping if I understood the foundation of some of my issues, I could begin to change them. But this perfectionism thing doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I guess all I can do is realize that perfectionism thing is one more imperfection, and maybe I can hold it with a little bit of love. If I can actually pull that off, it might be the start of dealing with it! I'm not getting rid of my needy, loving cat!