I am such an idiot

So Joshua, from December, and I were talking again. And we were flirting. And today, he got on the trian to my place and didn't tell me until he was on the train. (He lives about 90 minutes away.) He told me he could get off at the next stop, but I didn't tell him too.

He is allergic to cats and I have 2. So I tried to make the spare room as uncatted as possible before he got here.

I was scared. I mean, like shaking scared. I don't know why. I guess it didn't have the trappings of dinner and drinks and something just sort of happening.

He was really sweet with me. Quite gentle. Very protective and calming. When I tried to set limits, he was funny--agreed to all my limits, but not because I wanted them, but because he didn't think I was ready to go beyond those limits.

He spanked me. Hard. And not in a playful, erotic, seductive way. Just hard. But then he was lovely and warm and comforting.

But my cat was crying outside the room.

We snuggled. I gave him a quite succesful blow job. He tried to fall asleep. But my cat was crying out of the room.

He checked the time, tried to fall asleep again, but my cat was crying outside the room.

I told him he could go. I knew he had an early morning. And my cat was crying outside the room.

He left. At 2:20 in the morning. Without even a passionate french kiss goodbye. Just left.

Somehow, I felt like I was auditioning, and I'll never see him again. I liked him. I did.

And heres the real knife--he said he was going to take the trian home. The next trian isn't till 6 am. He left at 2:20, to sleep in the train station for 3 hours. And, of course, me being me, I texted him and offered to let him have the guest room and I'd sleep in my bad so the cat wouldn't whine, and he never even returned my text.

But, and this sounds so stupid, but early in the evening, I held my ring with my other hand and asked "John" what he thought and I just heard a voice saying "Connie, be careful." And so I was a little more cautious. But I liked him. I really did.

I'll be OK. Don't even think I'll cry this time. But I can feel a little layer of hardness going up. A little bit of protective armor, that I've worked so hard to try and let go of.

I feel so stupid. So very stupid. I try so hard to not be needy. My cat is proudly and openly needy. And so it seems that her neediness reflects on me. I try to hide my needy side; I try to be carefree and fun loving. And somehow or other, there are cracks in the armor. My attempts at a facade seem to make me more needy and less capable of being loved.