Possiblities

I've been talking with this man for a few months and finally met, and we have a lot in common.

He (let's call him David) is smart with many similar interests.

David said my smile expressed joy. Isn't that lovely? He said I was beautiful too. (And when we went to a bar, I got carded, which was nice.)

He is fabulous in bed. Just fabulous. We haven't had sex, but we've fooled around a lot and he is dominant and generous at the same time. He told me to do something and it was clear I didn't like it, and he was like "Don't do that again." I think it was the first orgasm I've ever had where my mind wasn't somewhere else. I was completely with him. And then, he turned around and gave me another one.

He calls himself 'daddy' when we were fooling around, and it was weird to say that the first time. I think I was scared Freud would immediately rise from the dead and start taking notes or something. But it isn't like I'm going to confuse him with my father. And it is kind of a hot dynamic.

There's one thing that kind of terrifies me. He has 2 kids and his son has autism. From what I can tell, not having met either kid, it is mild. And I swore to St. Anthony (I'm totally an agnostic, with a statue of st. Anthony that I've asked to help me find a family) that if we work out, I will be the best mother I can, no turning back. But it scares me. It's a really big label and I have no idea what it means in his case. I've had a premonition that I would have a child with autism for a very, very long time. I think that is part of the reason I didn't want kids when I was younger, and then I said 'life happens, and I'll deal with what comes.' I'm hoping when I meet his kids, they will be these humans with positives and negatives and ways we click and ways we don't. Not a label. But the label still scares me. Not enough to run away. But enough to say that what could be a fairy-tale romance is human.

Closure?

Well, "Joshua" removed me from his favorites list on collarme. I guess that is what closure is in an age like today.

But it feels lousy. I guess I would have really liked him to like me enough to tolerate my needy cat. Of course, he has a guest between now and June, so he couldn't have invited me to his place. But I guess in my silly little head, I thought maybe he'd like ask me out. Silly, silly girl. I don't quite know how I was demoted to being a booty call. But there it is.

I really wish I could at least know what it is I do wrong. Was it my cat? The fact that I was scared? The ceiling in my dining room that need replastering? My figure? Or did he just get bored with me? We had such an intense connection back in December. I just don't understand.

Blogging the Blues

My brother got married today. To a lovely woman. It was a lovely ceremony. Things went wrong and they both behaved with perspective and grace and kindness and the sort of metaphorical shock absorbers that make me think they will be very happy. This is a wedding that will be a good springboard for a marriage, not an end in itself.

And one of my brother's friends asked if I was my brother's mother. And it pretty much wrecked the entire day for me. If I hadn't been sick, maybe I could have handled it better. But instead of focusing on welcoming a new sister-in-law into my life, it is about me as the old spinster. Who no one will find attractive. And no one ever really has.

I feel like I'm cuter now than I've ever been. But I've never had a part of my life where lots of men found me attractive. I would have thought losing 55 pounds might have been enough. But the men my age, they all want 20-somethings.

Last week, when Joshua came over, he said I looked gorgeous. Gorgeous! But then, after calling 2 mornings in a row, he just disappeared on me. No one has ever really, really wanted me. I'm too intense. Too demanding. Not pretty enough to accept all my foibles and rigidities. The ex wanted me, but not enough to quit gambling and drugs. John wanted me, but not enough to talk about things when they got rough. I feel like today is welcoming me into spinsterhood.

I want a partner SO badly. It's like this huge, gaping void in my life that won't heal. But John was the only man I wanted more than I wanted a partner. I know on one level, I have a damn good life. But, of course, I take all the things I have for granted. And I want someone SO badly!!! But most of the men who come my way....

One of my best friends, the one who basically totally supports her partners, says 'compromise.' And maybe she's right. But I honestly think I'm better off alone than with a partner like the one she has. That's the truth. I want a partner who can engage me, whom I enjoy talking with. Who has values that I respect, and who will take charge in the bedroom.

I think I'd be willing to give up kink, if I had to. I could have an erotic life that was only in my head, if I were given everything else. But I also think I'm much more likely to meet someone with kink than without it. The one thing I'll say for kink is that the numbers are totally on the ladies' sides.