Blogging the Blues

My brother got married today. To a lovely woman. It was a lovely ceremony. Things went wrong and they both behaved with perspective and grace and kindness and the sort of metaphorical shock absorbers that make me think they will be very happy. This is a wedding that will be a good springboard for a marriage, not an end in itself.

And one of my brother's friends asked if I was my brother's mother. And it pretty much wrecked the entire day for me. If I hadn't been sick, maybe I could have handled it better. But instead of focusing on welcoming a new sister-in-law into my life, it is about me as the old spinster. Who no one will find attractive. And no one ever really has.

I feel like I'm cuter now than I've ever been. But I've never had a part of my life where lots of men found me attractive. I would have thought losing 55 pounds might have been enough. But the men my age, they all want 20-somethings.

Last week, when Joshua came over, he said I looked gorgeous. Gorgeous! But then, after calling 2 mornings in a row, he just disappeared on me. No one has ever really, really wanted me. I'm too intense. Too demanding. Not pretty enough to accept all my foibles and rigidities. The ex wanted me, but not enough to quit gambling and drugs. John wanted me, but not enough to talk about things when they got rough. I feel like today is welcoming me into spinsterhood.

I want a partner SO badly. It's like this huge, gaping void in my life that won't heal. But John was the only man I wanted more than I wanted a partner. I know on one level, I have a damn good life. But, of course, I take all the things I have for granted. And I want someone SO badly!!! But most of the men who come my way....

One of my best friends, the one who basically totally supports her partners, says 'compromise.' And maybe she's right. But I honestly think I'm better off alone than with a partner like the one she has. That's the truth. I want a partner who can engage me, whom I enjoy talking with. Who has values that I respect, and who will take charge in the bedroom.

I think I'd be willing to give up kink, if I had to. I could have an erotic life that was only in my head, if I were given everything else. But I also think I'm much more likely to meet someone with kink than without it. The one thing I'll say for kink is that the numbers are totally on the ladies' sides.