Male approval

I did a very touchy-feely growth thing this week. It's odd--I express vulnerability on this blog (or at least I think I do). But it is so far different from the rest of my life. And in the rest of my life, I'm very facts oriented. I avoid 'processing' emotions. In a way, the workshop was about trying to allow my blogger self off of the screen, just an eensy, weensy, teensy bit.

Anyway, one of the staff, let’s call him, well here's something really weird.

Let's call him Nathan. And I've never dated a Nathan. But when I was with "David" last month, I accidentally called "David" Nathan when we were in bed. Twice. And "David" asked me who Nathan was, and I said I didn't know. I hadn't known a Nathan since high school. How weird is that?

Anyway, Nathan and I really clicked. When I started crying hysterically, he just held me for what seemed like an hour. (He asked me how old I was, and when I asked him what he thought I was, he said 26, which totally made my day!)

I’m aware of how important Nathan's approval was to me. His clear love and support was lovely, but the fact that he also told me what I was doing that alienated him (or was ‘wrong’--usually too many facts and background data and tangents in a conversation) and was so proud of me for growing and expressing vulnerability (or learning to be ‘right’) was so deeply important to me.

It isn’t that different from wanting my dad’s approval. Or wanting the approval of any man with whom I’m in a relationship. What’s the difference between “good girl” during S&M and “I’m proud of you” when I’m doing something emotionally difficult or career or whatever? It is all about male approval for me.

In fact, there were times the workshop felt like really good quality S&M. He pushed me to explore the emotional issues I generally try to avoid, and then he held me when I cried and was deeply supportive.

I should say a) this wasn’t therapy but a touchy-feely workshop and b) he never made any pass of any kind at me. His daughter is 26, so I think when he said he thought I was 26, he was very, very clearly putting me in the same age bracket as his daughter. He was quite protective of me. And he also seemed quite clear that a) I was capable of work at the highest level and b) he expected me to drop the bullshit, irony and intellectual smokescreen and do the emotional work I came to do, but was scared to do. And I did go into a lot of shit I usually try to avoid, and that was why I went, but I don’t know if I would have gone nearly as deep if I wasn’t wanting his approval.

My workshop helped on several issues, but there is definitely still that issue of approval, and I don’t know what the hell to do about it. It seems like the desire for male approval is insatiable and overwhelming. And it seems like something I really feel like I should be able to move beyond. And I haven’t a clue how.

(And, oh, yeah, in case it isn't obvious, I totally got a crush on Nathan. Intellectually, I'm sure people would call it 'transference.' And I will never do anything about it (because I'm sure Nathan would blow me off if I did, as well he should, it wasn't therapy, but I was his student and we had an intense emotional bond, blah, blah, blah). And if Nathan didn't blow me off, which he would, I'd probably question his judgement. But yeah, crush time.)