Possiblities

I am completely and totally smitten with this man. Let’s call him Bobby. Alas, Bobby lives 4 hours away, assuming the traffic is OK. He and I had been talking on CM, and I had a business trip to his neck of the woods, so we got together. And, well, let’s just say I’m thinking that I could do a long-distance relationship.

The things that seems so surprising is that he and I click on an intellectual level. We click on an emotional-level. (I can talk to him about this stuff in this blog--I’ve never talked to anyone on the same level like that. I’ve talked to him about ‘inner child’ stuff, and stuff with my dad, and stuff I’ve never told anyone. I told John that deep down, I was scared I was unlovable. But I never told him that my dad told me no man would ever love me if I didn’t lose weight and that I tried to stop wanting that and Bobby in Company made me realize how important that was to me. [Yes, that’s why I’m calling him Bobby.]) And he and I seem to kink in incredibly simpatico ways. Like I don’t even have to tell him my concerns (although he is really wanting to hear them), but he just gets them and says “of course” not “well, you’d have to get over that.” At one point I said “I don’t know that I should tell you this. And I don’t want you to use this information right now. If we get to the point of a safeword, then you can.” And he said “you don’t have to, I know.” And I said “what was I going to say?” And he said “that you like to be pushed a little. That that is part of surrender for you.” And that actually was what I had been planning to say.

He did have a different take on me than I had on me, and when I brought it up, he was really responsive. He thought I wanted a lot of structure. I told him I didn’t so much want structure as hate criticism, so I’d much rather know exactly what he likes than do something wrong. He said he really only had 2 rules for me, aside from obeying what he said in the moment. Do what feels right while being present and if communication broke down, do the last thing he said. I, being me, asked for clarification on rule 2, because I was thinking of it in the context of a fight, but he said ‘no--context of a dead cell phone battery and we were going to meet at Starbucks’ and again, I just felt like: 'Yes, of course.'

We’ve talked about criticism, and we both felt really criticized and don’t do well with it. And he is SO interested in my non-kink life. He loves the fact that I’m, according to him, “Super Smart!”

I even told him I had a blog, and I didn’t want to give him the URL, and why it was important to me, and he said that was fine. As long as I talk to him about issues once I understand what is going on.

So, yes, we made out on our first date. And he is an amazing kisser. We’ve exchanged about 300 text messages in the last few days (and quite a few saucy ones) and a couple of long phone calls. He even talks to me about how he’s feeling. I think he has the most emotional awareness and clarity of any man I’ve ever met (aside possibly from the ones I’m related to and a few that I’ve paid money to for therapy).

We’re getting together tomorrow, before I go home. And then, I guess we’ll see. My inclination is to pull my ad off CollarMe, not to mention OKCupid, and plan our weekends together. But I’m trying not to rush too much. Mostly, because he is not rushing to much. I want to be fun for him, not an additional responsibility. But mostly, I want to kneel at his feet and have him claim me.