I could see myself spending my life with either one of these men. But I also know, if I could pick one, based on what I know, it would be Bobby. I don't want to fuck things up with him by getting involved with David. I don't want to let David go when Bobby and I haven't slept together and I feel like I'm more into him than he is into me. Haven't talked about not seeing other people. I really liked David. But his life was just a mess. And his communication skills were lacking (as were Bobby's but nothing like the same degree).
David and I clicked sexually very well (despite not having intercourse). And I respect him, despite his recent incarceration. He has good values. I would enjoy being a mother to his kids (I think--the autism really does scare me, but it seems like it isn't extreme). He is warm and funny and we just clicked sexually.
Bobby feels like he could be, well . . . We click on an intellectual level, on an introverted, talk-about-my-inner-child level. And, well if fooling around in his car is any indication, he could take me places I've never imagined. Intellect, emotion and eroticism--I never thought I'd find someone where I felt all three. Bobby feels like he could be a soul mate. Bobby makes me realize how much I compromised with John, despite how much I love him. Bobby is the man that, when I think about John, John would say: "yes. This man is good enough for you."
But fuck, Bobby and I just met. I'm terrified that if I think of Bobby as a potential soul mate, it will scare him off. I don't want to play games, but I don't want to fuck it up. And I like David. I do. I would have thought I could have spent the rest of my life with him, if I hadn't met Bobby.
I guess I buy time.. Bobby is on CM several times a day. (I was off for like 5 days and then went back on to return an email from David and realized he'd been on about 20 minutes before me, and now I've been checking when he was last on when I go on, and it is clearly a priority for him. Oy, that sounds neurotic. But I just want to know, and it is really useful to remember that he isn't as into me as I am into him. Or maybe he is, but he hasn't told me. [I've hinted, but I haven't told him either.] It keeps me from building castles in the air. I need a foundation.)
Maybe I should just keep doors open with both men, until one wants to shut both of our other doors. Except David will want to as soon as he can. But, I think as long as he's under house arrest, I can keep that option open. House arrest? Since when do I date guys in jail and house arrest? Somehow, drunk driving doesn't feel like enough of a deal to throw away a relationship. It just all seems so fucked up!
I wish Bobby would claim me. Soon.
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