If there are multiverses, then somewhere, I am lying in MaxEarnest's arms in my Queen size bed that I bought so we'd be comfortable together. In that multiverse, we've just had very good sex, but he's probably tired from the jetlag, because in that multiverse he came to see me before we went off to Aruba for a month.
But in this multiverse, I'm quite sick and at my parents' house, having extended my Christmas holiday, because there's no need for me to rush back to my life. It makes me so very sad, and yet, I'm also at peace. As painful and as sad, I think it is a grown-up, mature decision.
It feels like I've started to think of the new guy (let's call him Tony) and MaxEarnest as sort of polar opposites. The new guy is someone I could fairly easily build a life with. We want similar things and similar amounts of time together. We do really well supporting each other in our goals. He lives 2 miles from me, but I'm pretty sure he would be happy to move in by 2014. I actually expect we'll be engaged by 2014, if I don't break it off from some desire for what I gave up with MaxEarnest.
I had wonderful vacations and wonderful sex with MaxEarnest. And the new guy doesn't like travel or kink. But I think he'll learn enough, and I'll travel on my own and have fantasies. And we'll have children together. And I will fantasize about MaxEarnest for the rest of my life.
If I thought both the gentlemen involved would be up for it, I would propose me running off with MaxEarnest a couple of weeks a year. Deep down, that is what I would like the most. But, as MaxEarnest would say, you don't need everything all the time.
I was holding my niece all through Christmas (perhaps why I'm sick) and she was so joyous and loving and alive. Holding her feels like life. It is just this deep sense of purpose. It is right in the marrow of my bones. My soul sings to her.
I know MaxEarnest thought I wanted kids because I wanted societal approval, which always struck me as funny, as I'm planning on being a single mom if I don't meet the right man, and the U.S. society is SO judgmental of single mothers. Maybe it is different in Europe, but in the U.S., they are so looked down upon. When he and I took the train to the airport, there was this beautiful family across the aisle from us, and I started crying, because I knew I had to pick between him and a family. I hoped something would change, but deep down, I knew I had to pick. And it broke my heart.
But I still wish I could have everything all the time. Maybe in another multiverse, MaxEarnest and I will find a nice flat in Berlin, overlooking a canal, and raise children there. And, I suppose, in another, John and I have a child. And in another, Bobby and I do. And in another, I never met MaxEarnest because I was still grieving or too scared to take a risk, and still hopelessly along. I grieve what can never be. But I also am aware of how lucky I am for what is.
But in this multiverse, I'm quite sick and at my parents' house, having extended my Christmas holiday, because there's no need for me to rush back to my life. It makes me so very sad, and yet, I'm also at peace. As painful and as sad, I think it is a grown-up, mature decision.
It feels like I've started to think of the new guy (let's call him Tony) and MaxEarnest as sort of polar opposites. The new guy is someone I could fairly easily build a life with. We want similar things and similar amounts of time together. We do really well supporting each other in our goals. He lives 2 miles from me, but I'm pretty sure he would be happy to move in by 2014. I actually expect we'll be engaged by 2014, if I don't break it off from some desire for what I gave up with MaxEarnest.
I had wonderful vacations and wonderful sex with MaxEarnest. And the new guy doesn't like travel or kink. But I think he'll learn enough, and I'll travel on my own and have fantasies. And we'll have children together. And I will fantasize about MaxEarnest for the rest of my life.
If I thought both the gentlemen involved would be up for it, I would propose me running off with MaxEarnest a couple of weeks a year. Deep down, that is what I would like the most. But, as MaxEarnest would say, you don't need everything all the time.
I was holding my niece all through Christmas (perhaps why I'm sick) and she was so joyous and loving and alive. Holding her feels like life. It is just this deep sense of purpose. It is right in the marrow of my bones. My soul sings to her.
I know MaxEarnest thought I wanted kids because I wanted societal approval, which always struck me as funny, as I'm planning on being a single mom if I don't meet the right man, and the U.S. society is SO judgmental of single mothers. Maybe it is different in Europe, but in the U.S., they are so looked down upon. When he and I took the train to the airport, there was this beautiful family across the aisle from us, and I started crying, because I knew I had to pick between him and a family. I hoped something would change, but deep down, I knew I had to pick. And it broke my heart.
But I still wish I could have everything all the time. Maybe in another multiverse, MaxEarnest and I will find a nice flat in Berlin, overlooking a canal, and raise children there. And, I suppose, in another, John and I have a child. And in another, Bobby and I do. And in another, I never met MaxEarnest because I was still grieving or too scared to take a risk, and still hopelessly along. I grieve what can never be. But I also am aware of how lucky I am for what is.
No comments:
Post a Comment