Hanging in there. Barely.

I'm blue.  So blue.

Why?  Feeling left out of my birth family.  I'm sure I'm not the only person in the country who has to justify to their parents why they aren't interested in drugs or spirituality, but I feel like I'm the only one (and I'm sure it is pretty unusual).  But I left visiting my family by feeling quite isolated.

Work has sort of gone to hell.   Intellectually, I think it will work out.  But  I'm exhausted. I'm scared.  I feel isolated. And it has been 2 months of uncertainty and I am stretched to the breaking point.

And then there is this mess with the cruise.  MaxEarnest and I were going to go on a cruise together, and we had paid for it.  I can't get a refund.  I've tried everything I can think of and no one is budging.  It is SO frustrating!  I have never been a cruise person before, but MaxEarnest and I figured we would have fun just having sex for a week before we travel to fun places.  I can reschedule for multiple times this spring, but no one wants to go with me, even though I offered to cover the cost.  The thought of going by myself seems like the saddest thing I could imagine, and the thought of eating the ticket seems crazy and the whole thing makes me feel sad and pathetic. 

And I miss MaxEarnest.  Tony has been ill.  And when I'm with Tony, I'm quite clear that we are very good together.  But when I'm not with Tony, I miss MaxEarnest.  I want to run away to Iceland for another long weekend.  I want to explore new places in Europe.  I want him to tie me up and hurt me to the liminal place, but not beyond.  I want him to demand my surrender.  Tony knows I'm a 'naughty girl.' He knows I need to be dominated.  I think he knows that I need some roughness some times (although I'm less sure on that).  We've talked openly about it.  He says he needs time.  But I hadn't had a good orgasm since August.  I bought some new books of smut over the break, and have had a few good ones since then.  (Fifty shades was SO disappointing!  It is much more about the pornography of conspicuous consumption than the pornography of kink.  I started off thinking it could be really interesting, but, ultimately  I found it much too vanilla for me.  She never really explored submission in any way.  There were a couple of hot scenes, but I didn't get a single orgasm out of all 3 books.  And it didn't explore the relationship in any meaningful way.)  But maybe my erotic life will go back to smutty books and a vanilla sex life.  And if other things work out, maybe that would be an OK trade off.  Who knows, if I have kids in a few years, maybe sex wouldn't matter as much.

I have decided that I need this blog as I navigate stuff with Tony.  I've decided there are things he can never know.  Like the fact that I'm fundamentally unsatisfied with sex right now.  He knows I want more.  He's said he needs time.  But I don't want to tell him that I'm not having my needs met.  When he asks if I like something gentle, I say I do, but I wouldn't want just that.  And that is true.  I wouldn't be happy without gentle too.  So we're working on it.  He doesn't need to know that I fantasize about Anne Rice and Molly Weatherfield novels when we're together.