Owning Worthiness

This made me cry today.

I totally believed that no one would ever fall in love with me.  And MaxEarnest changed that in my muscle memory.

But I still fear I'll be lonely forever.

My life is not a balancing act that has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty.  My axis seems to be integrity/truth versus, versus what?  I'm not sure.  But I feel I'm constantly trying to balance integrity with kindness.

And then I notice that my needs aren't being met.

I fell when Tony and I were hiking across a small, frozen lake this weekend.  And I just didn't want to be hiking on ice anymore.  I was tired and bruised.  So Tony handed me the keys to the car and I went back and waited by myself for about an hour.  I may be loved and still be lonely.  I remember the last day I was with MaxEarnest I fell and he came bounding to take care of me.  So protective. So cherishing.  He might be frustrated with my limitations, but he wouldn't make me sit in the car by myself for an hour in the cold.

I can be strong.  I suppose I am strong.  But I don't want to have to be strong with my partner.  That's the one person I don't want to have to be strong for.

I'm in my prime.  And I'm 41.  Most people in our society wouldn't see that as prime.  At least not for a plump woman.

I don't know the compromises I can make honestly and the ones I can't.  I don't know where I should demand that someone cherish me and where I might be being too picky.  I think part of the reason that I want a child so much is that I want to give and give and give and have that be right.  I give and give in a relationship with Tony and just end up feeling drained.  (I didn't feel that way with MaxEarnest.  He cherished me.  We gave to each other.  I hope he felt that too.)

I don't know why I'm so sad today.  That video made me sad and I'm all grown up and it certainly got better!  But not all better.