Deeply sad

I'm deeply sad over MaxEarnest.  I think he is right.  I think he is wise.  I honestly think our lives don't fit together and I want someone who I can build a life with.  But it makes me deeply, deeply sad.

I'm trying to accept the sadness and not numb out to it.  I guess that's all I can do right now.  But it is hard to feel the hollowness reverberating in my bones and not just want to get cynical or get drunk.

I saw Tony at work today and that was odd in that I do not understand who he is at all.  I barely recognized him.  But I can picture MaxEarnest with my eyes closed.

Last night, I slept with his fleece.  I wish I could curl up in a cave and hibernate with him for a winter.

It sucks when the head and the heart are so divided.