Letting go? Moving on?

Well, MaxEarnest made it clear that we can't be together on an occasional basis.  And I'm so sad.

I sort of felt like that had to happen when I broke things off with Tony.

I think I hurt MaxEarnest by putting my CollarMe profile on-line without having talked to him first.  But I didn't really think (I suppose that's the problem).  It was a reaction to breaking up with Tony.  And, of course, I knew MaxEarnest and I would never actually have a full-time life together.  And I know I do want to be able to interweave my life with someone else's.  But fuck, I do still love MaxEarnest.

Part of me thinks it is for the best.  But part of me feels like I've torn out my heart.  I was very scared that I might meet someone else in a few months that I might want to see what would happen, and I didn't know how that would work and also protest MaxEarnest's heart.  But I thought I was being honest.  Maybe I wasn't clear.  I used to think I was pretty good at communicating.  But that, clearly was hubris.

I feel awful both because I feel like I hurt MaxEarnest again and because I feel like I've lost part of my heart.   I know he thinks I'm behaving, he wouldn't say badly, but his eyes said it.  I let him down.  He didn't say it, but his eyes did.  

I know he and I see the world so differently.  Part of it, of course, is that he's a guy and I'm a gal; he's a man and I'm a woman; he's European and I'm American.  He lives in the present and I plan for the future.

If I could wave a magic wand and change, I would.

But I suppose that is something else I should try and change--my desire to constantly try and change.

I guess, I'm so bifurcated, I thought I could get some of what I ache for from Tony and still have the good things of MaxEarnest.  But I suppose that just isn't who I am or who MaxEarnest is.

I don't know what is worse--feeling like I've hurt him or feeling like I've hurt me.  And yet, ultimately, part of me knows we didn't know how to make it work.  It would, as MaxEarnest said, be a dead end.  I don't know why--last week I thought he was OK with having some time together today, without any promise of a tomorrow.  But he is probably right.  

MaxEarnest gave me an orchid for my birthday and it still has four blossoms on it.  My head says that it is right to let him go (not that I have a choice) but my heart just screams no! Stop time! Come back! I love you! I don't want to do this life alone!  We love each other.  And that is not enough.

Sometimes it is hard to ring the bells that can still ring.  Somehow, my heart feels so cracked already, I just want to clutch it closed.