I have noticed that I've changed a great deal in my dating. I have a lot more confidence now than I ever did. I am quick to just say "yeah, this isn't working for me." It is also interesting to see how the social scripts play out. A lot of men just have no clue as to how to flirt. Or maybe my idea of how to do on-line dating is just too diffcult:
- Figure out common ground from reading each other's profiles
- E-mail about mutual shared interests
- Talk on the phone and see if you like each other
- Have coffee
There was a guy I e-mailed with a bit. I was wary of him, in part because he was, imo, too young for me, and he also lived in the same housing projects where I run a program; I figured there was a good chance he'd know one of my clients and I didn't like that, and I didn't see many mutual interests. But I wanted to sort of give him a chance. He said on his profile that he was an expert on musicals (ooh! common ground!), so I asked him what his favorite ones were. He said "Cats" and "The Sound of Music." I replied "interesting--what speaks to you about those? I'm more of a Sondheim gal, although Passing Strange renewed my faith in the form for at least another decade." He said: "Nice. Love your legs." (I never gave him a picture of me, but there is a pic of my legs on my profile.) I said "I think we're looking for different things. Good luck to you!" He said "Yea Your (sic) fat."
Obviously, this is a depressing stereotype, but I also found it really amusing given what it said about dating.
He claimed "expert" status in something he really didn't know much about. (He was a self-proclaimed expert in multiple areas. I don't claim expert status on anything except liberal politics.) When I tried to open a dialog on something he claimed expertise in, he was unable to have any conversation whatsoever. It is true--I'm a snob. But when Cats is your favorite musical, I worry!
The other thing that was interesting was how blunt it made the male privilege to define a woman's worth in the dating realm. (Or at least, how clearly he thought he had that right.) He was clearly into me, until I made it clear that I wasn't into him and responded by calling me fat. Another guy, clearly a sweet guy, wrote me on a vanilla site (where there are pictures):
I am not sure if I am someone you would even consider going out with, however, I will say what I honestly felt after reading your well written profile. In addition, I think you are an incredibly intelligent woman, adorable and your pictures seem to tell a story. I know women like confident intelligent men, but I have to grudgingly say reading your profile make me feel inferior. Best of luck in your quest to find love, my question is how can someone so beautiful and intelligent single..... Life isn't fair
This is clearly a sweet man. And I wouldn't go out with him. He didn't graduate from high school and while he has excellent language skills for a person with only a GED, we chatted a little bit and I just didn't feel like there was any common ground. Furthermore, and I feel bad for saying this, but he works at a minimum wage job, and I just don't see building a life with someone who has such great disparities. I could see supporting someone for a couple of years while they finished the great American novel, or a Masters program, but not a life of supporting someone working minimum wage.
But here's what I wonder... would a man who was less kind have the same response to reading my profile, think it makes him feel inferior and call me fat to get rid of the fact that I made him feel inferior? Does that make it alright that I wouldn't go out with him? This gentleman took a lot of courage to write me the way he did. It was touching (if not sexy).
I have worked very hard on my profile, trying to give enough of a background that it might be clear where we have common ground. But there is also an aspect of winnowing the field. It isn't that I'm trying to flaunt my over-edumacation, it is more that I want to be clear of who I am in my profile because it makes my personality much softer when I actually meet someone. I used to try and be less intimidating in my profile, but sooner or later, I'd feel like I have something to prove. Now I use big words in my profile, but I don't have those rough edges of trying to prove myself. I think it is a good balance, but I do think, perhaps, it makes some insecure men attack me.
It is hard to balance taking care of myself with being open to possibilities.
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