Breaking apart

Well, crying myself to sleep isn't working; I'm crying too hard so my breathing messes up, unless I distract myself. Writing actually soothes. Sooner or later I'll break out the pity album and that will help me cry soft enough to breathe and yet also feel a little cathartic. Bizarre I actually know which album will have that affect on me. Sometimes I think I should just feel everything and get it out of my system--other times I wonder if that plays into my emotions and just makes them worse. And I a Victorian or a Romantic? Probably an outer Victorian and an inner-Romantic. Always keep the appearances up even when the world is crashing down inside you. But is that the best way to be? Could I better deal with my emotions? Or do I manipulate my emotions so much that I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time anyway?

When I was a kid my brother and I had a 'game.' He would hit me as hard as he could and I wouldn't show emotion. If he could see he hurt me, then I was weak, and I'd lost. If I managed to block out what was happening, then I was strong and I won. Most of the time, I won.

I've never let people see how badly they hurt me. I don't know if anyone knows.

My ex was the only one that ever knew a fraction of it and he couldn't believe it. I think he wanted to put it back together, just because he was almost in awe of how much I cared. He said no one had ever loved him that way except his mom. Not his wife of 14 years, not any ex. He really couldn't believe I cared that much. And I couldn't believe that a) he wasn't repelled by my weakness, b) didn't try to take advantage of it and c) that it was any different from anyone else.

Somehow, I've started to learn to be more vulnerable. A hell of a lot more vulnerable. I've consciously made the choice that I have to be vulnerable and gone about trying to do it. Maybe that's why I crave the Ds--the forced vulnerability and having someone to say "be vulnerable--I can handle it and I will protect you." But not with emotional pain linked to whether or not I'm actually loveable. Since I already suspect I'm not, it just destroys me. I shrivel or snap the armour back or numb out on media. I feel SO silly and immature and like I'm still in high school and everyone else is cool, and I can't believe I'm 38 and can't deal with this is a substantively better way than I did at 19. Hell--I can't believe I'm 38 at all! The big day went unremarked and uncelebrated and unspanked. I had SO hoped to have someone by then, but, alas, it is not to be. I mean, my friends are wonderful and spoiled me rotten, but it isn't the same.

I don't know if feel things more intensly than most people, I don't know if that is a good thing or just being melodramatic, don't know if everyone is hiding what they feel, don't know anything at all. Except I can't keep doing this. And I refuse to shut down and hide behind my so-called self defense. But if I keep having no defense and keep getting hurt, I won't survive it. I know the road to wisdom leads through the gate of excess, but need to find wisdom pretty damn soon now!