Three of Swords

I was given a tarot card by a fortune teller once. She said to pick the card out of the pack and that was my fortune. I picked the 3 of swords. A heart, pierced through with 3 separate swords. Getting hurt again and again. And my job is to endure and stay open and not try to protect myself because the protections only lead to more pain.

John is dating someone else, and I'm happy for both of them and absolutely anguished through my tears. Back to the music I've comforted myself with for going on 2 decades now. I feel like I'm back in high school, hiding my tears as I weep. It is amazing how certain recordings come in and calm and claim. And yet the tears don't stop. They are less convulsing and confusing, but my eyes burn and my heart. I just can't do this again. Three swords, this year. How the hell can anyone stay open and get hurt and stay open and get hurt and stay open and get hurt and stay open? And does the ex count as a sword or is there still one more out there waiting to pierce my heart? I'm not this strong. I put up a good a front ('I'm happy for you' I said, the words blurry through my tears). But I'm not strong anymore. I never was. And I'm exhausted from pretending to be.

Maybe now I can move on. Another date tomorrow night--2 dates on the last 2 Monday nights--all at Starbucks. Hopefully the third time will be a charm. But I mostly just want to cancel and cry myself to sleep in a little ball. I even thought about sleeping with the ex--I had coffee with him this week and he was totally looking to get laid. At least that would take my mind off the things I really wanted and put it back on what I tried to settle for. (Oh--ouch. I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does. The ex is a good man, or at least trying to be. But he is unwilling to look at how his actions impact other people or compromise on anything.)