Tomorrow's Comedy

They say comedy is tragedy plus time. I need time and this will be hilarious. I went to see Dan in Real Life tonight, and I cried. It didn’t feel like a comedy to me—one of the clearest little tragedies, with a happy ending tacked on to make it commercial. In real life, it doesn’t matter if someone touches you so deeply and then they aren’t available. You have to move on and let go.

How can you know you love someone after a few days? How the hell, when it has been nearly a month and we never kissed, how can I still care? Even I have started to feel like I’m melodramatic. I won’t even bother my best friend with this anymore.

And the funny thing is, there are a couple of guys who are interested in me right now. One of them, the younger guy, let's call him Mike, is very sweet. However, he is new to the bdsm, and he doesn't dominate (at least not yet)--he suggests. "Would you like to"? Well, I would like him to make me. Just a look from the eyes that tells me he knows he is stronger than me.

He suggested spanking me and I flashed him a look at that said "I'd like to see you try"--but I did want to see him try. I wanted him to be stronger than me and take the reins. He is a lovely person, but even I can only talk for so much when I'm dying to have him grab my hair and kiss me. He wanted me to take my skirt off and we still hadn't kissed (and far worse, I had nylons on and they had gotten a run in them!) and I said "I'm not ready to do that" and so he stopped everything and we went back to a dynamite conversation. But three dates and we still haven't kissed!

We talked about it later. I told him I would resist a little and he was just the perfect gentleman. Problem is, I don't want to date a perfect gentleman.

Several other men seem like real possiblities. I'm sure one of them will work out. One sent me his phone number today and said "I'm no fool--I want to grab you before someone else does," but he lives in Portland--that seems an awful long distance.

Until someone touches me as deeply as John did, I don't see myself not falling into tears over John. He told me, after we were discussing our family issues "nothing will be as powerful for you as the approval of a man" and he said it just totally accepting. No judgement, no questioning. Just a comment from someone who cared for me exactly as I was. And he's right. The approval of a man in my life is the absolute most powerful thing for me. I yearn for approval. I ache for it. I want to earn the right to be loved even as I also want unconditional love. I need to prove it for me, even as I also need for him to care without that.