The Storm Passes

I seem to have weathered the storm. It is amazing--when I'm in it, I know intellectually that it will pass, but I don't see how. I feel as if I'm lost at sea in a tiny little canoe in the middle of a lightening storm. I'm riding the swells, 30 or 40 feet high. Flashes of intense emotion keep hitting me and I avoid the direct hits. I know the direction of shore and aim that way, with no clue how far away it is. Eventually, I can see the shore, but getting there feels impossible. Each wave seems higher than the next. I try to avoid my emotions, knowing that I'll be crushed under the breaking waves. Then, finally, I catch one, convinced it will kill me, clinging to my canoe for dear life. And I finally hit the shore, the canoe in smithereens and I swear I'll never go back out there, not the same way, not without a paddle, not without a life jacket and a weather report and a GPS system and a cell phone and a private helicopter. But the next day, I'm back, checking out rafts. See a raft will be different. It was the canoe that was the problem.

Had a nice date tonight. For one thing, I'm looking really good! Tight jeans (not too tight, just tight enough), a push-up bra and 4" heels on my boots meant that 2 teenagers or 20-somethings said sexy things to me while I was walking to parking lot. Not bad for a woman being comforted by a client less than half her age earlier today.

Fabulous conversation. So smart, broad ranging and fun. No fireworks (although he had e-mailed me by the time I got home to ask me out again). He seems like a lovely human being, but he is over a decade younger than me. I was born in 69. Summer of love. Hell no, we won't go. The People! United! Can never be Defeated! One of my earliest memories is voting for Jimmy Carter. (OK--it was technically my father's vote, but I got to flip the little red thingies for all the Democrats as we talked about each one, then daddy helped me pull the big lever back.) He was born in 1980. Reagan revolution.

He is smart as hell, and wise beyond his years. Easily as wise as most men my age. But I don't think he could guide me. Maybe I'm wrong. But I caught myself giving him advice at a couple of points, and worse, he appreciated it! Oy. Not a good idea. But I couldn't have been authentic and not have done that. And even if it did work, I could just see me being 65 and him being 54, and what 54 year old man would want to stay with a 65 year old woman? But that is silly--I won't be 65 for a few years, so I should enjoy myself now. I enjoyed myself enough to see him again.

And I will survive this storm, like all the others. And I learned a great deal and I'm glad I knew John. I never had a clue I could fall for someone so hard without even a kiss. But maybe the next guy (whoever he turns out to be) will have John's depth without the cigarettes. Now that would be heaven!