I just got dumped by a perfectly nice, sweet guy, whom I wasn't the least attracted to but kept trying to convince myself I could learn to like. It kind of surprised me, because the whole thing was so odd. "I don't know where this is going" he said, which seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I didn't realize till later he meant "I know where this is going and you just aren't 'girlfriend' material." He was being nice.
It depressed me far more than it should, because I didn't actually like him. There is this weird dating algebra--kindof like college admissions, although completely different. There are schools you'd never get accepted to and don't bother with, reach schools, probably schools and safeties. Someone like John was, according to the dating algebra, was a reach for me. He is really handsome, tall, great job and so smart. I always felt like he was a little out of my league (although, the whole S&M thing changes the calculation--according to the S&M world, I'm a 9, or so. In the vanilla world, I'm probably a 6 or something.) So John was like applying to Harvard and getting wait-listed. I mean, I don't mean to sound so callous. But being rejected by John (who would say that isn't exactly what happened), well it isn't that big a deal (aside from the emotional part of it which is that I adored him and I continue to care about him more than I should). But it didn't hurt my self-esteem; on a human level it hurt a great deal. But I also kind of always knew that someone like John was out of my league. I kindof wish he weren't so handsome so I'd be more in his league.
This guy, on the other hand, he was kind of sweet. Short, but I don't mind. But he had a lisp, which really, really bothered me. And he didn't have terrific social skills. He didn't do anything to put me at ease. I had to carry a lot of the conversation, ask him tons of questions, then not have him reciprocate interest. That said, he is, I think, fundamentally, a good man, so I was willing to see what would happen. But being rejected by him feels like being rejected by the local community college. I'm trying not to be bitchy--realize that first of all, he's probably right. There wasn't that chemistry that you can almost feel. And the fact that I wasn't all that interested in him doesn't necessarily mean that someone I'm actually interested in wouldn't behave differently. But it certainly has me very blue.
My ex continues to want me back. And I actually went over to his place last night to watch 'Recount." I actually made plans after the movie was over so that I wouldn't be tempted to stay. My ex has many things to offer--kindness and companionship and comfortability. And I know it would be a mistake. I know that erotically, he wasn't good for me. But he healed me more than he hurt me. But not that the part of me is healed, it would be dangerous to get involved with him again.
I'm in this weird place in my life where I'm much more of a bitch than I used to be. Men try to talk to me on the bus, and I don't take my headphones off. They are bothering me. I'm listening to something--why should I bother? This guy on a vanilla dating site said he couldn't live without "420" and I said "no, thanks" and he went into the rant about how racist I was. I thought it was funny, and didn't even bother blocking him because it was so amusing. I used to feel obligated to talk to anyone who wanted to talk to me (crazy homeless sometimes excluded).
And yet, when it comes to dating, I'm not bitchy enough. I'm 'well, I ought to be able to make this work.' It is rare that I have the "I want to be with this person more than anything" reaction. John and the man that smote me were actually the only ones I felt that way about. And I wonder if maybe that is necessary, or if it is too much to ask for.
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