Good Girl

Oh, those magic words that usually send tingles down my spine. Spoken by my mother! Oy.

My father would never say something like that to me. He is careful with his approval and doesn't even like me to call him "dad" as I'm supposed to be an adult and not forget it. My mother is lavish with her praise. Which means it means little. I take it for granted. Amazing how my mother uttering those two words just shocked me. The wrong context; they become meaningless.

Meanwhile, my life is certainly not boring.

Went out with a very nice man today, and there might be potential there. But the whole time we were out at the first place we met, an older guy was behind him, watching me, appreciating me. It was this really bizarre dynamic. First of all, it was flattering. I have had so many men flirting with me in the last week (there was a huge puddle at the bottom of some stairs at the parking lot and a man gave me his hand to help me over it, and then said "I should put my coat down to help you over it" and then our cars were in the same place and you could tell he was embarrassed that he didn't want me to think he was following me, but also very sweet), it surprises me. I don't think of myself as the kind of woman that random men care to flirt with. It is good for my ego and for my soul! I didn't flirt with the other guy at all--of course. I'd never do that. But I made eye contact like 2 times--I didn't mean to. I was thoroughly enjoying the conversation, but I'd look away for a moment, like you do when you're looking for a word or a fact, and there were these eyes staring in my eyes. How do you deal with that? I tried to make sure my date wasn't even aware. I felt rude, almost cruel. But even if my date hadn't been there, I wouldn't have been interested in the older guy from the coffee shop. If Steven and I couldn't make it work, I could never make it work with an older guy.

Meanwhile, I'm about 2/3rds the way done with my novel, and I showed it to one of my best friends. The subplot has S&M. And my best friend was shocked. She loved every part of my novel, except the part where the girl got tied up and flogged. And there are several issues there. The first is: cool--I'm being a little cutting edge. If that is her reaction (and I realize that almost all the representations of S&M are either caricatures or show women in charge, or both)--then what I'm writing is needed. And the same time, though, how much can this be my best friend if this part of my life would horrify her so much! What would happen if she lifted up my pink, Laura Ashley dust ruffle and found the ropes tied to my bed? We've been friends for more than half my life. Would she drop me? I can't imagine she would, after all we've been through. And yet, the disapproval is visceral and cutting.

Finally, and this is distressing, the kid from last November/December decided to quit his incredibly well-paying job (over six figures) to do political activism work. And I think it was 70% because he doesn't like his job and 30% because he wanted me back. It is just a hunch. I hope I'm wrong. I feel guilty rejecting him, but I could never be happy with him. I told him bluntly a couple of months ago that I didn't want to go out with him, and I wouldn't be his friend because he wouldn't accept that. (I never actually wanted to be friends--but I felt guilty.) He called me 4 times this weekend, after announcing he would be quitting his job on this upcoming Monday. I let it go to voice mail and e-mailed him not to call me. I was pretty nasty, but I'm scared that if he was quitting his job to do something I'd approve of (he never had any interest in activism before--that's the only reason I think I might be a factor--I don't mean that to sound egotistical), he still has time to not quit. I don't want the responsibility of my 'approval' having anything to do with his decision. So, while I was nasty (which I hate being!), I think it was the right thing to do.

And, of course, there are the things that I don't mention here. The darker parts of my soul. When I started this blog, I shared those more easily. Now, I'm aware that there are things that should be explored, things that are itching to be owned instead of hidden, and I'm not. And that gets into all the intricacies of the ways that blogs operate. The partial disclosure hidden under the full disclosure. The fact that I'm not entirely over this guy (a pre-blog guy--Michael--I haven't mentioned him before). I intended to be over him, but he sort of wandered back into my life in a non-romantic way. Just at I expect the young'un intended to be over me (although I didn't wander back into his life). I know I have to move on, just as he probably knew he had to move on. I don't want to be pathetic in the eyes of someone I think must know I still care about him, at least a little. And yet, he has made it perfectly clear by deeds, although never by words, that he's not interested. I don't want to force him to the bluntness that the young'un forced me. And yet, at least the young'un has certainty. Letting go and moving on while wondering what might have been is hard. I have many regrets in this world. I don't want to regret not having given something a chance.