My ex told me he loved me last night. Said he spent the whole year missing me. He's never felt that way about an ex before. He just wants to be with me.
We talked about why it wouldn't work between us. Mostly I'm not sure if I want a family but I clearly don't want to rule it out and he really, really doesn't want any more kids (and has had a vasectomy). I'm profoundly ambivalent about kids but I also really don't want to say "NO--I'm not having any."
So I said no intercourse. Vaginal or anal. And he really wants sex. More than sex, it drives him crazy that I'm obedient with this pre-negotiated, pretty big no-go area.
I just want to be with you for however long I can have. Wow.
"I just can't do that outside of a monogamous relationship. I would have gone crazy on Sunday knowing you were fooling around with someone else."
"I can understand that. But I'll be monogamous."
"But I want to keep seeing other people."
"OK--I'll play poker while you date other people."
"But. That's not fair to you. You can't do that."
"I just want to be with you for however long I can have."
It is interesting to have this record of my thoughts and feelings because they aren't always what I thought they were. I was clearly more skeptical about my ex before last Thursday than I remember being and clearly more insecure on Sunday than I'd want to remember.
His offer seems to good to be true. I don't see how he could possibly be happy with that in a month or two. And I also doubt I would have space to get involved with someone new if I were that involved with him. Right now, with us not having sex, I'm sticky towards him, but it is a post-it sticky, not an epoxy sticky. Sex would make it epoxy sticky.
But then, I wonder if I just want what I can't have and devalue what I can.
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