Numbing out

I'm changing in a way I haven't yet recognized. I mean, I recognize that I am changing, but not where that shift is leading. Part of me thinks I should take a break from dating. Part of me thinks that would be a mistake.

If I quit dating, I think I'd end up with my ex; he invited me for a lovely, romantic weekend at the beach. I said no because I had plans with a friend. And because it is a really bad idea. Really, really bad idea. But if I hadn't had plans, I don't know what I would have done. And while I'm good friends with my ex and I like being his friend, I really don't want to be his lover, ending up in his bed accidentally because it is warm and I'm cold. I'm blue right now, and part of it is that we essentially broke up a year ago today. He would be comfortable and easy in some ways, and horrible for me in others. I wish we'd done something like that romantic beach weekend when we were still together. But he took me for granted when we were still together. Most people, it feels like (aside from my mom and my two best friends, and my ex now, take me for granted.) It would be lovely to do something like that with someone I really cared about. (I do care about my ex, but not in that way.)

But what is going on with me? Saw a sweet guy and he was able to find this blog from my e-mail, which was odd (I had done several google searches to make sure it hadn't come up, but he did a different combination). And it was very odd. "You're a piece of work" he said, and I'm not sure who was more embarrassed that he had read my blog. He seemed smitten before he read my blog. But I am a piece of work, even if I hide it from the world. We had tentative plans for yesterday and he disappeared, so that's that. I'm too old to date Houdini.

But it makes me wonder what the hell is going on with me. What do I want? I have more men interested in me than I've ever had, but something is wrong with me and no one seems right. Where do I want to go? I browsed Craig's List and so many of the ads that might otherwise be the direction I'd look had dollar signs in the ad, which translates into "what's in it for you? Money." I want someone to give me so much more than money. I want empathy, cherishing, understanding, love, joy, playfulness and kindness. How on earth could money substitute for those things?

On vacation last month, I bought some naughty books, and 2 of them have ended up really giving me the creeps. Tying the whole D/s thing into clear abuse. I wonder if the universe is giving me a sign.

Among my brother's friends, all the men seem to be with women who are relatively uncaring, ungiving. One guy just got engaged to a woman that only puts out a couple of times a month! And views it as putting out!! And yet I seem to attract jerks like fruit flies to over-ripe honeydew. Isn't there a way to have a balance, where both people get what they need and what they want, and both people take care of their partner? I had hoped, obviously incorrectly, that being clear about sexual needs upfront would allow people to put that on a back burner and develop a friendship, knowing that when we got there, we'd be on the same wave length. But that was clearly erroneous. But I don't want to spend three months getting to know someone and then find out either that I freak them out or they aren't capable of giving me what I'd need. And frankly, without a little of that tension, there's no way I'd hang around for 3 months.

Other stuff has me a little discombobulated as well. My sister is moving away--it means my closest family will be a plane ride, not a walk from me. I have great friends. And I've never relied much on my family, but in the last few years, she has become ingratiated into my daily life in a way I never expected.

And of course, there's Michael. Who appears out of no where. Says hi. And disappears. And I care. I care so much more than I should. So much more than the situation warrants. I don't know what to do. I know if I got together with my ex, the yearning my psyche gravitates towards Michael would disappear. Or maybe I'll get lucky and fall for someone else. Someone who actually cares about me as much as I might care about him.

When I got his e-mail, I could almost see the shadow of me, breaking down, trying desperately to hold it together, from an e-mail years ago when he told me he was seeing someone else. That shadow of my former self sitting in the same chair, feeling her soul torn asunder. It isn't the same this time. But more and more often, I can feel myself passing those shadows of difficult moments in the past. Ghosts of who I used to be imbuing the quotidian.

I always seem to remain sticky for the last person who touched me deeply, until someone else comes along and touches me deeper. I shouldn't be drawn towards Michael. It's been a very long time since we ever had a possibility. But the loose end continue to titillate and torment.