Through the Looking Glass

I slept with my ex Thursday. No sex-sex (which I define as vaginal or anal). But oral sex and other stuff. So here was my impression Friday:

He was sweet, kind, gentle. Dominated, but he didn't make my soul shudder or make me run away. He wants me back. But the weird thing is, as much as I enjoyed waking up in his arms. And I did enjoy waking up in his arms. I don't want to be with him permanently. I would be very happy to wake up in his arms a couple of times a week while we both continue to explore our own several ways.

When we broke up, I made him promise not to come after me for a quickie because I couldn't handle it emotionally. I didn't want to be emotionally sticky with him, wanted to get over him. But I'm more sticky with Michael than with my ex. And my ex is getting very sticky towards me. Part of me thinks I should just break it off because he is falling for me the way I fell for him when we first met, and I'm not falling for him the way he didn't fall for me when we first met. And I don't want to be unfair to him.

So it is Sunday. And I wish he'd call. I knew he had a date with a woman he has seen very occasionally for the last few months (she lives a hundred miles away, or so--but he fell for her very hard when they first met). And I know he probably had sex with her today. Phenomenal sex. And I know that she has left and he is alone right now, and I wish he'd call me. Not her, me.

Intellectually, I expect he'll be back. I'd lay odds he'll be back and I rarely bet. But I wouldn't lay odds that I'll keep from being sticky towards him. He is different than he was before. We fooled around once, a couple of months ago, and it got him out of my system. He was selfish and didn't take care of me. Exactly as he was when we dated.

But this week he transformed. Totally different. He had always forbidden me to cut my hair when we were together. When I cut about 6 inches after we stopped dating, he hated it, and let me know it. I cut off another 6 inches a couple of weeks ago and he grabbed my hair, in a way that made my knees weak and said 'look--there's still enough to grab' and kissed my throat. It was a way of saying--'you can be who you are--I love who you are becoming, and you can still come home to me.'

At one point, he edged towards a rough tone, and he could feel me retreating emotionally. Immediately he backed off. No panic attack on my part, no nothing except him picking up that I wasn't responding to his roughness. If we sleep together again this week, and if he is again thoughtful and kind, he will get under my skin. I can feel it already happening, in the change from my certainty that he wants me to wondering if he does, in my wishing he would call, in my having to not call him. He's the first man I've slept with since we broke up. And if I'd had an evening like that with anyone else, I'd be completely head over heels for him.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Maybe it is worth giving this a second chance.