Over my Head?

So my ex and I have been hanging out more. Lovely evening last week. He took me to the restaurant I've always wanted to go to, and dropped numerous hints the entire time we lived together, but we never went. It is in a park, and we sat outside and had a lovely meal.

And then he said he didn't want to come over to my place. He said we either need to figure out if we're on the path to getting married, or if we just want to hang as buddies, but no more fooling around.

He also said, he had the conversation with himself about 'having another kid wouldn't be that bad.'

And he said "I can't have it on my conscious that I kept the love of my life from having kids."

Furthermore, he said he wouldn't be so selfish in the future, regardless of whether he got back together with me. He had this idea of D/s, but he has been doing more research, and he doesn't think anyone is able to actually make D/s work with his previous idea of it. That the Dom has to really take care of the sub's needs, not just except the sub's needs to disappear.

So. Whoa. And Wow. I don't know what I think or feel. First I'm touched and flattered he would even, in passing, call me the love of his life. I joked it off, but it meant a lot.

But I need to figure out what I want so I'm not using him, but I'm too confused to know what I want. I know that I enjoy being with him as friends. And I enjoy waking up in his arms. And for the last month, he really has been different with me. But I don't know that we've ever had great sex. At least for me. I know we have for him. But not me. We click intellectually, and that's a lot. I think I could fall for him again, if I let myself, but I have been very wary to do that.

So then we slept together last night. Sex, sex. Not just oral sex. And, again, he was lovely. Cherishing, adoring, tender, rough, demanding--all the good stuff rolled into one.

And after he left for work, I went back to bed. And had a dream about Michael. It wasn't even a good dream. He was dating a woman from Texas, but sort of wanted to check in with me to see how I was doing. But it wasn't like "drop everything--I realized I do want to be with you." And walking through the park today I went by a set of swings that Michael and I played on, and I could feel this sort of stab to my heart. I don't know how to let him go. I know I must. I know that if he were truly interested in me, he wouldn't e-mail, say "Let's go out for dinner and drinks" and then not e-mail for a week, then another e-mail a week later, then nothing for 2 weeks. A man that is interested in a woman, well he doesn't do that. But I don't understand why I'm still emotionally sticky towards him.

Part of it is that I'm still defended against my ex. He woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex a second time, and he was rough and demanding and it hurt and I remembered one of the reasons we broke up. I can't just let go and be with my ex as he is right now, without being suspicious that he will go back to how he was.

And maybe I'm just using Michael as a symbol of what I can't have. Maybe I'll never be satisfied with the possible. Or maybe I'm using Michael to not get in too deep with my ex. How knows. But somehow, I thought, we might end up together. I don't know why I adored him so much, or how to let that go. Part of me wants to e-mail him and just have it out with him. Not have a loose end. I hate loose ends.

But, maybe, just being with me ex, curling up in his arms, kisses and cuddles and conversations. Those will build. I'm sure of it. I'm much less reluctant now than I was. So who knows.