A year ago, a woman that seems to often cut me down, always from a "I'm just trying to help you" way said my standards were too high. (Or if I lost 50 pounds, they'd be OK.)
Today, my best friend said my standards are too high.
My best friend said the only thing that should matter is if he's into me. Nothing else should matter. I said that wasn't true. I told her I wanted someone who was:
- My intellectual equal--give or take. I have no intention of administering an IQ test, but if he is someone I have to constantly watch what I say so he doesn't feel (or I don't feel he might feel) like I'm smarter, it just won't work.
- Someone I share common interest with. I don't know what it would be, but I needed to have some common interest.
- Shared values. For me this means several things: not materialistic in the common sense of the word. It is totally fine if he loves some of his things, but I'd really prefer not to be with someone that has to have the latest gadgets. I think most people all judge people based on what they own. But I'd rather have someone who judges based on the word "organic" or "carbon emissions" than how much something cost or whether it is trendy.
- Someone I'm attracted to. For me, this chemistry has come either from physical surrender (which at this point would probably only be ballroom dancing, as I have no intention of going back to wiitwd) or from sharp, fast, sexy conversation, or from slower, wiser introspection and shared vulnerabilities. Those are really the only ways I have ended up being attracted to men.
- Someone who is financially independent. This doesn't mean rich. But I'd like someone who can pay his own rent and dosn't go into debt for stuff.
So my best friend thought that was an impossible list. I ended up getting really defensive after she told me I should meet someone at my gym (which has never happened and the idea sort of appals me--the gym is SUCH a meat market--I don't think I could go if I were looking at it as a pick-up joint) and then that I should move. (This seemed to come out of no where. She's right I haven't really been happy for the last few months, but I hardly think moving would solve anything.)
It made me really insecure that she thought I was asking for too much. She has an insanely handsome boyfriend (who happens to have the same name as John, so it doesn't help that she always talking about how amazingly wonderful he is and how much she loves him and how happy he's made her), and has compromised only on his height. He's the same height as she is. (I can't judge how important height is to her, because I'm 5'3" and she's 5'11", so I can totally see why that would be an issue. But there was a guy I went out with maybe 3 years ago who was my height that I would totally have dated if he wasn't so clearly looking for no strings attached.) And he works weekends. But I somehow feel like asking me to compromise on being as smart as me isn't the same thing. And, honestly, my ex probably had 20 IQ points less than me, and that really wasn't an issue--he was still as smart as me on a how it feels to be with him.
After we got off the phone, I realized I have an even longer list. What I didn't mention, but is also on my list is:
- Someone who is willing to turn the tv off. It is fine if he has shows he loves, but I can't live with tv on all the time.
- I need someone who is willing to tolerate my bouts of introspection. It would be amazing if he would share them, but toleration is a necessity.
- Someone who will, at least on occasion, be willing to see in my the parts of myself that I want him to. This means coming dancing once a year. Or maybe once. Let me sing for him at least once in a way that allows me to show off. To appreciate me when I have a sparkle in my eye.
And, of course, John is the only man I've met who lived up to all of these. Post-John, I have one more thing to add to the list:
- Interested in me.
So there's the list. But there are other things too. Lofty things about respect. Kindness. Integrity. And less lofty things about the fact that I tend to be more comfortable with people that have a somewhat similar background to mine. The fact is, I work in the housing projects a lot. And I don't date men from the housing projects. I suppose one exceptional man could appear, and I'd be open if one did, but I'm not looking in the housing projects. I'm not flirting. I'm succinct and straight to the point. And that makes it unlikely that anyone from the projects is going to be looking at me. (And I'm fine with that, but with so much of my social interaction there, it is an issue to be considered.)
My friend thought I was shallow for saying that. And I suppose I am. But she never goes near the housing projects, so she doesn't really know what it's like).
The fact of the matter is, if I could lower my standards, I would. Honestly, if I could reduce my IQ by 20 points (or more importantly, slow down my brain, so maybe I'd be a little wiser and a little slower), I really, truly would. I've tried. My ex was a compromise on many levels--mostly his unwillingness to humor my introspection, his uninterest in seeing me as I want to, at least occasionally, be seen, and our complete lack of shared values. And I was with him for almost 2 years, trying to make that work. But it was never going to work. I could compromise a little--I'd have no problem with someone who wasn't financially independent if he had a plan to become financially independent (that didn't involve my credit cards!). He doesn't have to make as much as I do, but I don't make all that much (I really don't--I'm right around median income).
I figure there are about 4 million people in my area. Figure half are women, and only maybe 20% are in my age range (35-50), and half of those are married, you're down to 200,000. Now figure that I'm interested in one out of 20--that leaves me with 10,000. But figure only one out of twenty are interested in me, that still leaves me with 500. But how to meet one of them?
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