What Do Women Want? What do I want?

So I posted a profile on CollarMe. We'll see how long I last. But here's the thing--I haven't met anyone worth dating on OKCupid. And I met John on CM. And, frankly, I met Steve, whom I glad I met, and the ex boyfriend as well. And a couple of other randoms I'm glad I met.

But I don't know if I could ever trust a man enough again to surrender. I really don't. And that makes me deeply, deeply sad.

I went out with a guy last week from there. Perchance if he'd asked a single follow-up question, after dominating the conversation all evening (I would say he probably about 90% of the time, which means it was probably 75% of the time--literally after talking about his 4 favorite towns in England, he asked the last time I went to Europe and I said January, and he didn't even ask me which countries!), maybe I would have responded differently. I did kiss him because it was easier, but wouldn't let him French kiss me. That seems to be my new limit.

The thing is, with John, the only way we had a chance was when he got to the point where he would rather be with me than do any S&M activity. He likened it to "standing up on roller-coasters." He was like with Jamie (that was the girl he dated after we met, who would do anything he wanted of an S&M scale, but couldn't be loyal or emotionally honest, or maybe she could and he was having brain problems--I don't know, although John's sister confirmed John's story): "We both liked standing up on roller-coasters. So we did a lot of standing up on roller-coasters. But it isn't pivotal to me."

I would say, I'm being pretty good about standing up for myself. Well, at least better than I was! The asshole who talked about my physical shortcomings, he really did hurt me. And how hard would it have been to say "I'm just not really in a place where I think I can date right now." Or "I tend to go for brunettes" or whatever. But the funny thing is, I met him on OKCupid.

But, when someone isn't treating me well, I hold my right ring-finger, with my ring that John had for a year and a half, and I take a deep breath and say "cute as a god-damned button" and then I take care of myself.

I was talking with a friend who believes in God, and doesn't believe that our experience of linear time is the only way to experience time, once we're no longer in this world. I'm jealous of his surety. I wish I felt John's presence, other than in my mind. I wish, well I wish for so much.