So, on a relationship level, I want a pretty egalitarian relationship. I am sure we'd split household tasks based on what each of us liked, to do and what we'd hire someone to help with. Hopefully, he'd make about as much more as me, give or take 10 or 20 thousand dollars. If he made a lot more, I'd deal, I'm sure. But it would be hard for me--I think I'd end up feeling like I had to prove myself. If he made a lot less, well I could handle it if he had a 'calling' that he was actively pursuing. But I'm also aware that I work a second job because I make an extra 15K a year, or so. It's only about 6 hours a week, or so, but it takes a lot more than 6 hours a week, because it is an hour here and an hour there, and I have to travel for each hour. Anyway, I feel like if I was married to someone that hadn't made sacrifices to make a solid living, I could feel like things were out of whack. I wouldn't not go out with someone because they made little, but I did go out with a guy that made about 22K a year, and when I found out he was getting palimony from his ex wife, I lost interest in him. I don't really want to support someone, unless he is doing something I really believe in (probably political or humanitarian--I have enough unrealized artistic dreams that it would be hard for me to support someone else in his art, unless it was temporary).
Anyway, moving on: I want someone who will be interested enough in me to support me in my dreams. Maybe he'd be willing to read what I'm writing every few months, to talk about it and ask questions. (And, of course, I'd do that for him!)
I want someone that is somewhat optimistic about the world, without being crazy, who will have respect for my spiritual meanderings and my underlying agnosticism.
I want someone with a strong sense of integrity and a purpose in the world beyond making money.
Erotically: I want someone who will lead, like a ballroom dancer leads. This means he is in charge, and tells me what to do. He would cherish me, and make sure I had fun.
But not until I trust him enough to lead.
He would know me well enough to read my facial expressions. If he wanted to push me into the liminal places, where both pain and pleasure are intertwined, and I can't label or define, so I stop thinking for that moment, wonderful. But he couldn't push me out of pleasure and into just pain. I need both.
And sometimes, he would hear my fear or reluctance and kiss me on the eyes and say "but I know you'll do this for me." And then he wouldn't push me to endurance--just to the edge. Never falling in. But having my concerns heard and then ignored (nicely) is incredibly sexy to me.
But most of all, it is tone.
There was one evening with the ex that was so magical. He always liked me to be naked and kneeling when he came home, but sometimes I wouldn't hear the door open, and I wouldn't be and then I'd feel bad (I do love to please), so he started calling me on his way home, so I'd be ready, and that worked beautifully for both of us. He got obedience, and I got a way to please. Anyway, one day he had gone to take the trash out--I think it was recycling day, or something, cause he was gone for a couple of minutes, so when he came back, I was naked and kneeling for him. And this day, he came up and rubbed my back for a bit, and told me how beautiful I was, and then took off his belt and proceeded to spank me. But it didn't hurt at all. I just luxuriated in it. He had never seen me like that. Somehow or other, the tone, the massage, the cherishing--it all just came together. I didn't want him to stop (the only time that had ever happened with my ex).
I don't know if I'm actually kinky enough to be on the kinky website, although I have put an ad back up on collarme--I like the open communication that starts there. Most of the people are not for me, but perchance....
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