"I'm neurotic. He's neurotic. She's neurotic. They're neurotic. We're neurotic."

I'm totally smitten with Bobby, and he keeps mostly showing up. But he was gone all weekend (with his daughter for a final before-school holiday), but said he'd call me late tonight. And he didn't. And he went on Collarme.

So there's two issues: not doing what he said he'd do and going on CM. As far as I can see it, I have no business whatsoever with what he does on CM. At the same time, if he hadn't gone on, I'd assume he got in late and didn't have the energy to talk. But if he has the energy to go on CM, I want him to want to use that energy to call me.

Part of it is messed up because there's concert tickets going on-sale at midnight, so I'm up later than I would be. And I don't want to be jealous. I don't even really want him to know that I checked to see if he'd been on CM. But I do check when he disappears on me.

I feel like 70% of this is my neuroses. I'm used to men disappearing on me and so that is a lens I use to understand the world. And that lens will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I want it to. If I become jealous or controlling, well, why the hell wouldn't he leave?

I'm not so much trying to control what he does with his life as wanting more from him, and I know how limited his time and energy are right now. I also know (intellectually, but not emotionally) that it takes a lot less energy to go on CM than to have a long Connie-Bobby conversation (which usually go over an hour). Of course, he will see other people (as I sort of am, but my heart isn't in it at the moment).

I think I can tell him, when he calls, which he eventually will (cause he texted me this morning to tell me he was looking forward to talking to me and while I texted him back, there was nothing I said that could have scared him away) "hey--if you can't call when you think you will, I'd love a text." The thing is, I don't know if that is clingy or not. Intellectually, I think it is OK. But I just don't know. I'll feel around it. But for the moment, I'm sad.

(And, for the record, I do pour all my neuroses here (or at least those of which I'm aware) primarily so I can explore them in a place that hopefully is safe and they won't bite me. If you knew me in real life, I'm really not this neurotic. Or I am, but you'd never know it. My closest friend was shocked to see me walk into a REALLY crowded mall-store sale with her today, take 2 steps and say "I'll wait for you at the car" because I knew I couldn't deal with the mall store without killing a little piece of my soul. It was so crowded. I wouldn't have been able to breathe. She's known me for 4 years and never knew I had such a strong aversion to crowded shopping places. I do try to keep my neuroses in check.)