Crossroads....

My gut feeling is that Tony and I will break up in the next couple of weeks.  I'm writing this on February 17th.  I won't post it for a couple of weeks because I don't think it is fair to MaxEarnest.

It is all very confusing and sad, but I never fell in love with Tony, so if I need to make the change, so be it.

Tony is, generally speaking, a misanthrope.  When we first started dating, he was so delighted that I would be interested in him that I seemed exempt from the general criticism he has of all humans.  But, of course, that has worn off.  He doesn't even think FDR was a good president because he wasn't progressive enough. FDR!  If FDR can't live up to his ideals, who can?  Certainly not Connie...

Tony and I had good sex once, about a month ago.  He spanked me like he meant it and seemed to really enjoy himself (if saying "God, I'm so fucking turned on! I'm so hard! Wow!" is a good indication) and that was very hopeful to me, but it hasn't happened since. Lately, I wonder if it wasn't a checklist that he had to do. He has become more selfish a lover, in that he has become more and more vanilla in a way that I find very domineering without being the least bit dominant.  He won't even pin down my wrists.  (And I got all the tests and an IUD so we could dispense with condoms, but he hasn't bothered to get a fucking HIV test!  And I'm having a horrible reaction to condoms right now.  Painful in a not sexy way!  I'm really freaked out that I think I'm becoming allergic to condoms.  How the hell can I date someone new if we can't use condoms?  But I burn during sex with condoms and then I bleed afterwards; I've never taken it seriously when a guy says he doesn't like condoms, but fuck, it is serious!)

I got Tony an extremely part-time job that started about a month ago.  Tony really wanted experience consulting on a program and one of my centers needed someone for 3 hours a week for about 6 months, so I passed Tony's info on and he got the job.  (I was NOT on the hiring committee and they knew about my conflict of interest.)  Well, Tony has turned this very part-time job into a full-time life.  (Not a full-time job, mind you; he's still paid for 3 hours a week of work).  But it is just about all we ever talk about. 

I felt like things were a little out of balance between us a month ago.  He isn't into domestic stuff, so I've never been to his house.  As a result, we're always at my house.  A month ago we'd probably eat 5 meals a week at my house and go out 2 times a week.  But he would initiate taking me out and we'd go out to nice places.  But I covered all the costs of cooking, as well as doing all the housework   (He would put plates and silverware in the dishwasher, but he'd never do the bowls in the sink from cooking.)  I tried to look at how to break the patterns.  For example, my kitchen was a mess, so it wasn't always clear what needed to be done to clean it, so I spent several hours really tidying the kitchen so it was easy to see what needed to be done.  And I told him that I was doing that.  Still, he only ever put the plates and silverware in the dishwasher.

He has stopped planning anything and when I plan, he doesn't hold up his end.  He hypothetically wanted to start bird-watching. I found a groupon he said "yes."  I bought two, one for each of us and he said he would two (as we could only buy two) and then he forgot.  I bought a groupon for ballroom dancing and he said he would, but he didn't.

I told him I was feeling taken for granted.  No change.

One night on his way over, I asked him to bring something.  (It really started to piss me off when he'd ask "do we have any wine?"  Where the fuck does he think wine comes from?  Who does he think pays for it? Is there a wine fairy I don't know about?)  He was inviting himself over for dinner, so I told him I'd like him to bring something.  He brought me a fucking eggplant because babaganoush (wow--spell-check's only suggestion here is gangrenous ) is his favorite appetizer and he likes how I make it.  Yeah, that really helped me not feel take for granted!

We went away together this weekend, and it was really frustrating.  I brought quite a few things and had done some research and had some ideas.  He brought nothing but still asked questions like "do we have any trail mix?"  Nothing like 'thank you for bringing home-canned fruit, home dried tomatoes, olive oil, fresh and dried herbs, wine, whisky, pasta and games for us.' No offer to carry my bag some of the time on the train. Just "do we have any trail mix?"    I feel like a housewife from the 1950s.  Except I'm paying all the bills!

(It is funny--I drove not far from Bobby's town, with Tony, wearing MaxEarnest's fleece jacket.  I have to wash that jacket soon, but I refuse too.  It seems like if I wash it, I will lose a tenuous connection to MaxEarnest.  But I was sad driving by Bobby's town; he is the only man who was ever excited by something I was writing that wasn't my blog.  He read my non-blog writing and thought it was important; thought it mattered!  Somehow, if a man like Bobby was in my life, I could be excited by my own work again.  But I suppose that is too much to ask from anyone I'm dating. Except that I try to be excited by the work of a man I'm with! I felt with MaxEarnest that he didn't like my time on the computer and  my work didn't speak to his experiences   But he would read it very carefully and always had some helpful grammar (which I was grateful for; English isn't his first language--I know he spent a lot of energy on it!).  But he wasn't excited by it.  He didn't understand a lot of what I care about.  And Tony didn't read a piece the week I sent it off even though I was spending hours helping him get ready for the job interviews for this job; he let me read him another piece, but only had criticisms (which didn't make a lot of sense to me--at one point he thought I was unfairly stigmatizing autism by discussing ways to treat 'neurological deficiencies' early on, and the whole point was that with early intervention, we can really help, but he thought it was unfair).  But Bobby was excited by my work!  I SO wish Bobby had done the emotional work he needed to do to be capable of a relationship!  That isn't fair--that's my judgement of him; but I still make it.  As stupid as it is, I think Bobby and I are kindred spirits.  Ah, well...)

Tony also told me he wasn't doing valentine's day, but we could celebrate in a different way.  But nothing has been planned.

So I gave Tony a test.  A week ago, I told him that I wanted him to take me out for a nice dinner.  That I wanted to be surprised--he should just tell me what to wear.  I specifically told him that it was important to me.  I said "let's do this in the next two weeks."  He was a little derisive saying "you want me to tell you what to wear?" but I said "just tell me--something nice--you don't have to say what exactly" (although I suppose it would be fucking hot if he did).  He seemed somewhat open; he didn't say no.

My gut feeling is that Tony isn't going to take me out to a nice dinner.  It would have made so much sense to do it while we were away for the weekend, but I'm still giving him one more week.  But if he doesn't, then it is pretty easy to see that he isn't interested in working on how to make our relationship work.  If he surprises me, well, then I guess we can start the hard stuff.  But I feel like I've done a lot of communicating and he hasn't stepped up.  I have given too much.  But I tend to be very generous with most people.  I love giving.  It is a hard balance!

Then there is MaxEarnest.  Whom I still love and still miss and know I can't have a full-time life with. We are too different, want different things.  The closest I could imagine is the two of us moving to Berlin to make a family, but that isn't what he wants. And even if it were, we'd have to negotiate how much independence I would have. (It isn't what I want either; but I think it could be a beautiful life; although even I know it was premature--we have run-ins on day-to-day stuff). This Valentine's day, all I could do was think of last valentine's day.  The best one of my life!  And he sent me the sweetest e-mail! But I know if I were to commit to him and only him, I would hate him for stealing away my chance to have kids.  I want to hold a child of my own so badly.  I want to explore the world with wonder and create magic and share beauty.  I think MaxEarnest still loves me.  Part of me hopes that if I break up with Tony, MaxEarnest would go back together with me.  But I don't know if it is fair to him.  I can enjoy magical times with him, but I don't want to hurt him more than I already have.  And I know if I break up with Tony, I'll start dating other men and want to give someone else a chance.  

All in all, I don't know what to do!  I wished I believed in psychics!