Not sure if it was useful to post my drunk blogging last night. But it is truthful and maybe it is more interesting than self-indulgent. I suppose any personal blog like this has to be self-indulgent.
I've been trying to figure out why the break-up with Tony bothered me so much. I was in a really good space before it happened, clear about what I wanted and that this wasn't enough.
But what I didn't expect was the Sally problem and the Tony problem.
First the Sally problem. When Sally finds out that her ex-boyfriend is getting married, Harry asks her if she would want to be with him, and she says no, but why didn't he want to be with her. There was a little bit of that going on. How did a many who, 3 months ago, would say things like "I'm just so happy that you are into me" start to take me for granted. It really hurt, in part because I don't have any clue as to what happened.
While my goal was to be as kind as possible yesterday and give him whatever time could give closure and be kind, I didn't take good care of myself in that moment. I was trying to be kind to him. And he was very upset, not that I was breaking up with him, but that I'd put him in such an awkward situation at our shared job. He 'accused' me of suggesting he apply for that job (which isn't true--he really wanted an entree into that field and when a co-worker found out his specialization, the co-worker asked if Tony wanted to apply). He seemed to feel like I had tried to trap him and now he would be in a very awkward situation. He wanted me to lie to the co-worker about us still being together (even though the co-worker is a good friend, and Tony and I stayed at the co-worker's guest house). When I said I'd say "we had an amicable parting; do whatever is right for the program," Tony got really upset and went on about how he wouldn't have applied for this job if I hadn't suggested it.
He said the job changed how he felt about me. The contract was very explicit that Tony couldn't have sex with any of the clients. It was boilerplate--my contract says the same thing. Even the ones that are over 16 are off-limits, obviously. I joked about that several times. I said "this is just my nefarious plot so that you can't meet anyone else." It was a total joke. Obviously I didn't get him the job, that was 3 hours a week, as a way to keep him from ever meeting anyone else. But I think maybe that wasn't wise. I think once he took the job, he started to feel trapped.
The truth is, I was never in love with him, and I probably never would have been. I thought we could make a good team. I was dating with my head, not my heart.
But I also had NO clue about how selfish he was. It didn't come across as self-centered as much as idea-centered. He is obsessed with philosophy. Hours re-reading 50-year-old books about ancient philosophers. But it became a way of only caring about his ideas, and never caring about mine.
I don't know what the moral is here. I don't know if I should always follow my heart (MaxEarnest) or try to figure out how to plan for the future I want. I don't want the hope of a future to destroy the present, but I don't want the present to erase the chance to have a family. Tony was a 'sensible' thing to pursue. Thank god I dodged that sensible bullet!
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