Madeleines

Watching the crumbs fall' I'm  deeply sad

I put on a sundress today that I haven't worn since I was in Europe with MaxEarnest last summer.  I didn't think anything of it, until I was doing laundry and had this rush of memories.  I miss MaxEarnest SO much today!

Intellectually, I know we can't give each other what the other wants.  But I just miss him in my bones.  I have a box of his clothes and took out a shirt and smelled it.  I couldn't smell anything.  I don't remember what he smells like.  But I remember what he feels like. I miss him so much!

I know I will always love MaxEarnest.  He is part of my life.  And I'm sure eventually I will meet a man that touches me as deeply as MaxEarnest and it will be less painful.  But I know if I could want different things in long run, I would be packing my bags to go see MaxEarnest right now and that is so very painful to bear.  Right now, I wish I could be a different enough person that he and I could be each other's partners.  I know we can't.  But the crumbs fall and I tumble after them.