Autumn

So the guy I was seeing had definitely cooled off.  I'm seeing signs of his age because last week he got really annoyed that I hadn't texted him--he didn't want to have to do all the initiating. I told him I didn't want to be annoying, and he really took that as a statement of profound insecurity.  Maybe it is, but it was weird to me how extreme his reaction was to something I saw as a very little glitch. So this week, I tried to text him more and he just sort of disappeared. It makes me sad, but intellectually I doubt it could have worked.  I am awfully glad we didn't sleep together.  I do find it weird that there is a pair of my panties he purloined at his house....

The fact of the matter is, though, I really enjoyed it.  I felt more alive and happier at everything.  Music was more playful; weather was crisper.  Everything felt happier.

Part of me thinks that I need to just figure out my life by myself, but it was a tantalizing moment.

On the edge

I could really fall for this man.  I guess I should give him a name, but I'm not sure I'm going to blog about him and I. I don't know how to blog ethically and date.  If he and I get serious, I either have to stop blogging (which I had until I took out the Mirena!--I seem to have a lot less emotions on that thing) or tell him at least that this blog exists.  With John, the blog was really messed up.  With MaxEarnest, I think he actually fell for me in part because of the blog, but there were times it felt weird. I don't know the ethics of blogging while dating, so if I disappear, you can assume things are going well. I think if I write about him, to the point that I'm talking about him and not me, I need to at least let him know this exists.  But this is about me, mostly, so that's fair.

There were three interesting things.

First of all, he wants me to assume I'm pleasing him, unless he says otherwise.  In my head, I've always needed to hear that I'm pleasing someone because I assume I'm not.  And he picked up on that and started saying "do you think you're pleasing me?  Do I look like I'm having fun? Am I leaving? Why would I be here if you weren't pleasing me...."

Second:  we started mentioning all the things he had listed on his profile and he had listed "canes and crops" and I said that scared me.  He said "I don't like canes--just crops, but I don't even own one."  I said I did.  (It lived at a bottom of a drawer, mostly forgotten, used only once over these years.)  So he might not have realized that it kind of freaked me out.  But he noticed me flinching and a change in my eyes, so he said no more crop until we talk about it, with our clothes on.  Then he said he really didn't want me to try and deal with something, at least not now.  Maybe down the road.  But he really wanted me to be more communicative.  He might not have noticed and he needs me to not just submit to him, but tell him what I like.  We've been playing with breath play (which I love) and he makes me say when I need to breathe.  It means both that we play harder in that area, but also that he is teaching me to speak up (or tap my hand).

Third:  When I get excited about things that I know most people don't care about, I have a tendency to say something like "I'm rambling" and try to move the conversation to what I think the other person cares about too.  But when I do that around him, he said "I'm dating you, in part, because I really like your mind.  Please don't do that--tell me what you care about."  Last night I had this dream where I was asked to give a talk and they wanted me to talk about this thing I'm a bit of a geek about; I said "I'm sure people aren't interested in that" and they were like "no--that's what we want to hear about."  It was really lovely!

I'm somehow used to seeing myself as deeply flawed, in part because I'm plump (and he's seen me mostly naked in bright, unflattering light and not at all flattering underthings!), and in part because I'm smart and get excited about things normal people don't care about.  And he doesn't see that as a flaw!  He is as smart as I am and he also has some of the baggage of having family members not really appreciating an extroverted intelligence.

We haven't had sex yet.  But if we do, I think I could really fall in love.  Dotty thinks I'm nuts.  She really thinks his age trumps everything else, but she hasn't met him.  And I suppose it is possible, maybe even probable, that I'm going to get my heart broken over this.  But he has a level of perception and kindness that is amazing to combine with kink. I like both sides of him and I think he likes both sides of me.

Age

I seem to be smitten with a man who is much too young for me. He is funny, smart, surprisingly wise and very sexy.  And he is 16 years younger than me.  16!  Ack!!!!!!!

I find it shockingly easy to surrender to him.  He is the first man since MaxEarnest that I find it easy to trust.  I really get that he cherishes me and cares about making sure I'm safe, both physically and mentally.  I told him, after our first 7-hour phone conversation, that I wouldn't judge him based on his age.  And to a certain extent, I don't.  I don't feel like I'm necessarily wiser than him (although there are times I notice how young he is).  Right now, we could pass for the same age.  At the same time, though, I can't imagine that when he is 46 and I am 62, he could possibly remain interested.  Part of me says "what the heck!?!  It would be an amazing 20 years."  And part of me is very scared of all this.  But I do really like him.

He loves making me switch between the submissive and not-submissive sides of my personality.  I'll be all submissive and he'll ask me a really technical question about my work, and then he'll pull me back into being in my submissive side.  He ADORES how proficient I am in my daily living--totally gets a kick out of it.  It is really lovely to feel like my smart, sassy, exuberant, driven, passionate side is appreciated as well as my soft, tamed, yearning side.  I don't think I've ever been around a man who SO appreciated both sides of me.

Part of me has this defense mechanism that says "it will never work." I can't really see why someone this cool and this young would be interested in me for the long run.  But he really seems to be open to that possibility.  Part of me is thinking that maybe, just maybe, it might actually work.  It would be crazy.  Not at all what I had hoped for, but in some ways better!  But it is a scary leap to make.

I also can't help but notice that as long as I had the mirena in, I couldn't seem to get interested in a guy (expect Fredrick --is that the name I gave the guy here last year, whom I dated for months, but didn't have sex with?  That can't happen again.)  Somehow, I could date a man that wasn't interested in having sex for months, and dropped me when I gave him a deadline that for my birthday, 6 months after we started dating, we would spend the night together.  We met on a kinky website for heaven's sake!  

Mirena Side Effects

This is mostly for women considering the Mirena IUD.  Not much kink here.

I was in NYC last month and went to see Wicked.  It is a guilty pleasure that I tend to see every other year, but it never failed to enthrall me.  It failed.  I went back to my hotel and popped out my Mirena.

I was willing to live without a sex drive because I've been single and don't have a lot of hope I'm going to meet someone that likes me that has what I need.  And honestly, at this point, if I met a great guy, I'm not sure it would even work with my time frame as I want to have a kid soon, and I'm planning on doing that by myself.  So the sex drive thing I dealt with.

I have to say that even orgasms with dirty books and just myself were a pale imitation of non-Mirena orgasms.  It was like I was critically analyzing my responses, but couldn't get actually lost in the sweaty, hot ideas.  I've always have very strong orgasms and these were really little.  (On the plus side, periods were light, very regular and lasted for 4 days.)

However, I realized that I've stopped enjoying movies, television, even theatre.  I've liked Game of Thrones this year, but never enough to not do something else at the same time. Same with Mad Men.  That ability to get lost in an orgasm seemed to be really closely linked to my ability to get lost in a show.  I'm embarrassed to say this, but I actually enjoyed the first Hunger Games movie more than the second.  Without a doubt, the second movie is better.  I know this intellectually, but during the 2nd movie (which I saw with the Mirena), I couldn't stop looking at the construction,, the foreshadowing, the how of the movie, rather than just enjoying it.

I would also say, my dreams were much less intense.  They didn't grip me--I always knew they were a dream.

When I went to see Wicked last month, I realized that I had just changed. I didn't realize that my ability to enjoy sex was so closely tied to my ability to enjoy movies/theatre/tv. (And, shockingly, the medical community did not look at the side-affects of "will you enjoy the 1st Hunger Games movie without this more than the 2nd one with it?"  They really should screen for side effects more!!)  I'm really curious as to the link between sex drive and movie-drive.  Is the ability to enjoy sex and the movies linked by more than sexy actors?  It really seems like it is to me.

If you want to, you can take the Mirena out on your own. It popped out far more easily than I would have thought.  (I wasn't even planning on taking it out, but I was looking for the thread, and when I was feeling the end of the thread, it popped out--you totally don't need to go to a doctor to do this.)  You need to be prepared for an incredibly heavy period (not just like you use to have--it felt like my body rebelled and all the extra blood that I didn't have for months was in that period).