On the edge

I could really fall for this man.  I guess I should give him a name, but I'm not sure I'm going to blog about him and I. I don't know how to blog ethically and date.  If he and I get serious, I either have to stop blogging (which I had until I took out the Mirena!--I seem to have a lot less emotions on that thing) or tell him at least that this blog exists.  With John, the blog was really messed up.  With MaxEarnest, I think he actually fell for me in part because of the blog, but there were times it felt weird. I don't know the ethics of blogging while dating, so if I disappear, you can assume things are going well. I think if I write about him, to the point that I'm talking about him and not me, I need to at least let him know this exists.  But this is about me, mostly, so that's fair.

There were three interesting things.

First of all, he wants me to assume I'm pleasing him, unless he says otherwise.  In my head, I've always needed to hear that I'm pleasing someone because I assume I'm not.  And he picked up on that and started saying "do you think you're pleasing me?  Do I look like I'm having fun? Am I leaving? Why would I be here if you weren't pleasing me...."

Second:  we started mentioning all the things he had listed on his profile and he had listed "canes and crops" and I said that scared me.  He said "I don't like canes--just crops, but I don't even own one."  I said I did.  (It lived at a bottom of a drawer, mostly forgotten, used only once over these years.)  So he might not have realized that it kind of freaked me out.  But he noticed me flinching and a change in my eyes, so he said no more crop until we talk about it, with our clothes on.  Then he said he really didn't want me to try and deal with something, at least not now.  Maybe down the road.  But he really wanted me to be more communicative.  He might not have noticed and he needs me to not just submit to him, but tell him what I like.  We've been playing with breath play (which I love) and he makes me say when I need to breathe.  It means both that we play harder in that area, but also that he is teaching me to speak up (or tap my hand).

Third:  When I get excited about things that I know most people don't care about, I have a tendency to say something like "I'm rambling" and try to move the conversation to what I think the other person cares about too.  But when I do that around him, he said "I'm dating you, in part, because I really like your mind.  Please don't do that--tell me what you care about."  Last night I had this dream where I was asked to give a talk and they wanted me to talk about this thing I'm a bit of a geek about; I said "I'm sure people aren't interested in that" and they were like "no--that's what we want to hear about."  It was really lovely!

I'm somehow used to seeing myself as deeply flawed, in part because I'm plump (and he's seen me mostly naked in bright, unflattering light and not at all flattering underthings!), and in part because I'm smart and get excited about things normal people don't care about.  And he doesn't see that as a flaw!  He is as smart as I am and he also has some of the baggage of having family members not really appreciating an extroverted intelligence.

We haven't had sex yet.  But if we do, I think I could really fall in love.  Dotty thinks I'm nuts.  She really thinks his age trumps everything else, but she hasn't met him.  And I suppose it is possible, maybe even probable, that I'm going to get my heart broken over this.  But he has a level of perception and kindness that is amazing to combine with kink. I like both sides of him and I think he likes both sides of me.