Into the Deep. Again

This weekend, I bought a sexy nightgown and a pair of cute flats. (Steven is only 3" taller than me--I wouldn't want to be taller then him.) And I sent him the first text message I've sent: "I ache to have you devour me." (He has talked several times about wishing to devour me.) And I added him to my saved numbers on my cell phone. I had done that twice before, but always deleted it, out of fear that I would curse it. Today, I saved it and even called him from the saved number.

I guess I cursed this one:

(These are direct snippets from our phone call tonight--I had it on mute so he couldn't hear me crying, but it meant I could also type, which helped my intellectual mind take over and my primal, visceral girl calm down.)

"I love you. It's because I love you so much that I couldn't be more convinced it's a mistake. I adore you. I'm hopelessly in love with you. We have to stop it. The difference in where we are in our lives makes it impossible. You create emotions in me I haven't felt in decades. But I don't want to act on them."

Basically--he wants to retire in 2 years and move to Mexico and live on the beach. 17 years is a big, big difference. And he finally realized what I contemplated a month ago, and it terrified him.

And I'm plunged, again, into the deep. I'm in the business center of my hotel, grateful it is completely empty because I have tears streaming down my face and I have to get ahold of myself.

Steven was, in some ways, like dating a mirror image of myself with men that have smitten me. He fell completely and totally in love with me. Said all the things I'd never let myself say, but probably said by actions. And he had more angst than I did! He couldn't proceed, unless he knew exactly how we'd look. I wanted to figure out if we could be on the same track; he wanted to make sure we could love each other forever and make it work. He said he loved me on several occasions, and I felt bad for not being able to say it back. He was the first man to ever say he was in love with me. He said he was considering, not that he was insane and wasn't there yet, but was trying to figure out if we could be married. And we both knew that we'd make love in the next couple of weeks. But I couldn't say "I love you" to him.

So why did I start to arrange my emotional life around him? Why do I feel dead and cold and numb inside? I just don't see how I'll do this again. I know, someday, I'll find the strength to pick up those pieces, but I don't know how I can keep letting my walls down and getting this hurt and going back there. I just don't know. I feel so alone and lost and just plain old tired. And the thought of going back there, any of the places that are there, just exhausts me. I'm beat! The world won. I give up.

I sometimes wonder if it would be safer to just learn to have no strings attached sex, rather than these huge melodramas where I get hurt so badly, where I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what is wrong with me. Most every female friend I know is totally skeptical about men, assuming they are jerks, unless proven otherwise. I've met several men who were really lovely. OK, Ben was a dick, but the funny thing is, he didn't hurt me nearly as much as these lovely men who then, all for reasons I understood, said "no." And I feel like everyone will say 'no.' No one will ever say 'I want you so badly, I'm willing to change my plans and also willing to risk hurting you, but I'll try not to.' Everything Steven said made sense. Intellectually, I can see his point of view. And yet, I despair inside. I really do. I question whether I'll ever meet someone who truly wants me more than his well-laid plans, more than his best intentions. Just me. For better and worse. For fabulous sex and fabulous conversation. Maybe I should just give up on trying to find kinky and go back to eharmony land. But I doubt I could be a good partner of any kind without having my sexual nature engaged. Steven was a compromise on age. John smoked. I've tried to let go of my illusions and not confuse them with my dreams, but I don't see my way out of this one.

And how pathetic--I keep checking hotmail--hoping he'd change his mind or have figured this out or send me something to assuage the pain.

The problem is, I feel like if I 'play' or if I start having casual sex, I will get bitter. There is a woman in the local 'community' who is very bitter. Angry, alone and unhappy. And I expect it is because she gave things she didn't have to give, in hope of getting something longer-term. And now she has nothing left. But the unicorn in The Glass Menagerie has this beautiful horn. Just beautiful. Makes her special and unique. And fragile. So fragile it could break if you breathed the wrong way. Completely unlovable because humanity requires a little more sturdiness than that. And she just doesn't fit in, so she is all alone. I have so much love I would love to give the right man, and instead, it feels like it is poisoning me in my special, fragile, unique aloneness.