Scared of rejecting? Worthy of more?

I had dinner with my ex tonight. Barbecue. I hate barbecue, and he knows it. The only 'vegetable,' aside from deep fried onions and french fries, was creamed spinach, which I believe had more fat than spinach. But he doesn't even think about finding a place we might both like. His brain just doesn't work that way. It never did.

While we broke up in June, we continued sleeping together as long as we were living together, which was all summer long. Once he moved out, I didn't sleep with him again, but he has hinted numerous times.

Tonight, he asked if I wanted to come over "and watch the debates." We both know if we were alone together, I'd probably end up sleeping with him. I'm just not good at saying 'no' when someone has me shoved against a wall, with his hand in my hair, pulling my chin up and exposing my neck while he kisses it hard. I get in the submissive mode and I don't say "no" even if it doesn't make sense. So I have to be really good about not getting myself into that situation.

So, after a look that acknowledged we both knew it wasn't just the debate, I said I couldn't go there--I can't separate sex from wanting a commitment, future, all that. That has been my playful line to all his advances since we broke up. It let's me reject his advances without rejecting him. But tonight he said "I can't make promises. I don't know. But I've been thinking a lot about you. I really miss you. It wouldn't just be for sex." And, to put his money where his mouth is, he has quit both poker and smoking. Which was the source of most of my angst at the time.

Whoa......

My ex broke up with me. Via e-mail. While I was in China. But the only reason he broke up with me is that I never sent the dozen e-mails I wrote, breaking up with because I thought it should be done in person. I never told him that.

The truth is, I was devastated when he broke up with me, but also relieved. My heart broke, but half an hour before I got the e-mail I had been singing "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" to try and steel myself for what I knew I had to do.

I'm not the rejector--I'm the rejectee! Who the hell am I to tell someone "No--I don't want to spend time with you." I don't do that! I should be grateful that anyone would want to spend time with me and take what I can get.

I have this weird thing about self-esteem. The top layer is quite strong. But dig just a tiny bit and it is very, very weak. What I'm learning is that under that, there is a strong layer, of which I wasn't aware. Or maybe, it is just growing.

I would not only never go back to my ex, if I met him today, I wouldn't consider him. My sense of self has grown exponentially since we broke up. I was SO terrified that I would be alone for the rest of my life. No man would every want me again. And, I also really did love him and we were good friends. So what if I had to eat BBQ two or three times a week? And he never cared about my needs and thought I shouldn't have them. And made me feel old. He loved me (wasn't in love with me, but he loved me). And he loved my mind and I was no longer alone.

But since then, there was September man (who broke up with me, moved to Austin and became a switch!, but taught me how to connect more intensely), John in October, the kid whose nom-de-blog I can't remember in November (who wants to go out for dinner and I may actually give him one of my precious weeknights because he asks so plaintively) and Steven in January. And both John and Steven touched me deeply. Both taught me that I could be with someone who actually valued me.

Now, of course, both men broke up with me. (John would say he didn't, but I'm pretty sure he did.) But both men really respected me, and liked me. And I think both wished it would work out but saw things as they were. Steven was truly, honestly in love with me. For the first time in my life, a man fell in love with me. With me. Just the way I am. Oh, I put on a good show and hid some of my inherent fucked-up-ness. But he sort of knew. (And after we stopped pursuing a romantic thing, I shared the real fucked-up-ness, and he was beautiful about it. He actually cherished me for it and the next day I sent him the link to this (Hi Steven if you are there! Thank you for everything!)) And both were intelligent men who shared parts of themselves with me, so bright--amazing really to meet two such incredible beings. John helped me see things about myself; and he let me know I wasn't alone in this world in not having gotten over deep childhood wounds, and it is OK I haven't gotten over them completely. Steven helped me laugh, and also to like things about myself. He is wise and smart. I gave him an article I wrote, and it was the most joyous experience sharing writing I've ever had in my life. I didn't realize it, but I've fantasized about having someone like Steven in my corner for all my life.

Someday, just maybe, I might date someone whom I allowed to see this blog. Let him see my emotional sturm-und-drung and all the silly insecurities that I hide in my attempt to seem confident and attractive. Probably not for a while. But that would really be something to be that open. And also to be with someone that cared enough to actually want to know that much about me.

And so, it changes something deep inside. Part of me, deep deep down, she is beginning to believe she is worthy of love. She doesn't need to settle for someone like my ex, whom every single friend of mine attempted to dissuade me from dating. Deep down there's still a little girl singing "There's a somebody I'm longing to see. I hope that he, turns out to be, someone to watch over me." There always has been. But she didn't really see how it would work--she didn't feel like that "Prince Charming" would actually be interested in her, unless she was able to trick him with the right clothes and the right laugh. But I'm beginning to think he might actually like me if we happen to find each other. And so, I wait, hope and pray.