Virgin/Whore Dichotomy

Steven thought I was far, far too good to be on CollarMe. He said I needed someone who would worship and adore me, but also knew how to take control, which seems pretty damn good. Fabulous, actually. But where to find such a being?

The one person I've talked with on CM since Steven turned out to be married. You know, a nice, sweet, innocent wife to raise his children, looking for a slut on the side. I mean, that isn't what he said (or I wouldn't have talked with him). He actually said all the right things--intelligent conversation, shared vulnerabilities, not a hint of anything sexual but trying to know me as a human, and he picked up on my vulnerabilities in a gracious way and held them nicely--he said "you intimidate a lot of men, don't you? that must be hard" so there was no judgement--all that good stuff, aside from lying about his marital situation. And then it was all that BS about how my profile spoke to him. Well, that's lovely, but it really hurts to be lied to, even if he isn't even worth giving a name to here. I wonder if Steven isn't right.

I begin to despair inside. Maybe I just need a break, but I feel like I'll have to make a choice between having my vanilla needs fulfilled and my kinky ones. It seems a crazy choice because if my kinky needs aren't meant, I won't be a great partner to anyone, and I know there are a lot more kinky men than women out there. But it also seems that many kinky men are choosing to partner with the nilla women and look for a little something on the side.

An awful lot of men are married to women that don't fulfill them sexually. And I really don't understand it at all. In this day and age, how can you commit to having only one sexual partner in the whole world if that person doesn't fulfill you? It makes no sense on a logical basis. There can't be that many men who don't know what they like sexually or are waiting until they get married to introduce sex to a relationship. There just can't be. I wonder if men aren't also ashamed of the BDSM thing. Don't want to pollute their children with it (by making kids with a woman who did it), don't want to bring home a kinky girl to meet their mom, think women who are open about sex are prostitutes anyway and they don't want to let the 'whore' pollute their home and their life.

I've done eharmony and the men are SO boring. Or maybe they're just scared to let girls see they aren't boring. Maybe eharmony is where men try to mold themselves into what they think women want, just as CM is where women try to mold themselves into what they think men want? Where do we go to be ourselves? Imperfect people, wanting intimacy on all the levels? I begin to despair. I joined "PerfectMatch." And it feels like part of me would disappear with that, but maybe I could find someone who cared enough about me, he'd actually ask what I craved and make it part of our life.