Pride and Prejudice. And Shame

It is pride week in New York (I'm here for business), and a friend wanted to see the parade. And so we went.

I think the gays and lesbians have a secret agenda to destroy our hearing--every float seemed to be trying to out-amplify the next float. It was good, however, to see JP Morgan/Chase, Pepsi, Nair and Laser Hair Salons all out there to show their pride!

I have a hard time with "pride." Pride without a response to an underlying prejudice just seems arrogance. "Proud to be an American" is silly. Grateful to be, maybe? I know how lucky we are. But what the hell did I ever do to be an American? Why on earth should I be proud.

But, then came a group of maybe 14 or 12 or 16 gay men in leather, all couples from the "Fire Island Leather club" walking hand in hand. A few had floggers or cuffs or collars. No commercial endorsements there! And I felt shame and envy. But no pride on my part. They had pride. They were open in who they are. No embarrassments. I, on the other hand, am not. Part of me wonders what my life would be like if I were open. And then, of course, every single one of them had a partner. Someone to share that journey with. And as they walked by, there I was--this unnoticed vanilla-looking, blond straight chick. Wishing to belong to someone and also to a community that I could be proud to make my own.

It made me blue in a way I can't describe.