Demented with Inferiority

Not sure why, but I had a really rough day today. There are several things that could have spawned it, but mostly I'm disappointed about Friday guy. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me that a man could think I'm lovely, have a lovely time, after what I thought was just a marvelous evening, and he does not want to see me again. And John was also perfectly content to disappear into the ether. Whatever women have that makes men fall for them, I'm lacking it. A lot of men think it would be cool to have me. John said on a number of occasions: "You would be quite a catch." But he never wanted to catch me. Maybe sometime in the future. Always some time in the future. I'm missing whatever "it" is.

Everyone says what a wonderful daughter I am. I'm quite surprised by how many people are surprised that I would organize my life for a few months to take care of my dad. I can't imagine doing otherwise. I don't understand that care-taking I have for my dad (and I'm taking really wonderful care of him) doesn't extend over into other relationships. I would take good care of a partner. I really would. I feel like Audra McDonald in 110 in the Shade: I have so much I want to give. I don't understand what is wrong with me that no one wants it.

Being a relatively minor inferiority attack (although I'm going to splurge on half a xanax--I better travel to Ecuador soon, or I won't have any left!), I can feel its contours better than the overwhelming kind.

It is primarily centered as a tightness in my chest and a more shallow breathing. I usually breathe to my abdomen, but right now I'm only breathing to about 3 inches below my chest.

Tears dwell under the surface. I haven't cried, but I could if pushed the right way.

That's it for the physical. If this were more intense, I'd be breathing heavier, tears would be closer to the surface.

I'm talking a little higher-pitched than I usually do. But other than that, I've hit it well. No one has asked me if anything is wrong.

But there's this sense of despair and inferiority. It isn't like a panic attack where I get flushed, and can feel my heart beating in my cheeks and my throat constrict. This is a more subtle depression, a hopelessness. A dementor from Harry Potter, if you will.