Where do I go?

....follow the river. Where do I go? Follow the gulls? Where is the
something? Where is the someone? That tells me why I live and die?

It really was a fabulous date on Friday. And Saturday he e-mailed me at noon to say:

I had a lovely time meeting you last night, and I think you are a lovely
person.
Thanks!

What is that? Is that a rejection letter? A very nice, very sweet one, but there is something dismissive about it. But my girlfriend said I was being crazy and so I e-mailed him back about 5 hours later, a note telling him that I had a lovely dinner and it had been a while since I'd had such good conversation. And my phone number (which he had asked me for a number of times). So of course he disappeared. Maybe he'll reappear, but given the rate of our previous correspondence, I doubt it.

Ah, well. I really don't understand men. At all.

But the evening also spoiled the young 'un for me. I'm going to keep seeing him, but I ache, crave that kind of intellectual stimulation of equals. I hadn't experienced that since "John" (who seems to have gotten his life back together, but he has not contact me. I'm glad he got his life back together. I'm glad I know. It makes it easier to close that door.)

It also helped me realize how empty that aspect of my life is, and that I don't necessarily want a kid to fill that emptiness. I need a purpose again, but it doesn't have to be a family. I need to stop treading water. The connection doesn't have to be with a sexual partner, but I crave someone that is excited by what excites me, or at least my excitement. That will explore nuances and share ideas. That is, I think, why I've stopped my writing for my career. It became so lonely without anyone who ever wanted to read what I wrote.

I don't know how that has happened. 3 of my closest friends have book contracts. Two of my other friends are writing a book and 'the great American play.' But the only thing they'll read is my light fiction. The kind of stuff I used to love writing, I don't have anyone I share it with. I need to find people who will share my intellectual life.