I think not sleeping through the night (my dad is calling me for help in the middle of the night each night, and I'm not getting back to sleep the way I thought I would, and I don't want him to know I'm not getting back to sleep), and that seems to be making me resentful. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. In desperation, I just took a xanax--we'll see if I get to sleep soon. (I'm going to have to go to some other country soon, or maybe the internet--I'm running out of xanax and my doctor wouldn't give me even 2 mg a month.)
I have to say, the thing that pisses me off, mostly, is the gender inequities. I have not complained a word to anyone about any of this. My official line is that I'm enjoying having time with my dad. My unofficial line is why the fuck do I have to wait till my dad is horribly sick and I'm the only one who can take care of him to have some time with him? He's already schedule a fun vacation with my brother. Like he does most years. My brother was great when this first happened, but after 3 days, he was cranky and resentful and exhausted.
And my brother, who everyone thinks is just a wonderful man, gets to be wonderful on 3 days of help (while my dad was in the hospital, btw, so he wasn't doing the level of care I am). My parents are appreciative of me--but the world isn't. My brother gets his pick of fabulous girlfriends and I get a cat who doesn't even seem to like me right now. I have to get her stoned for her to let me pet her.
And I'm SO lonely!!! I keep a happy face up for my dad. And then at night, going to bed alone, I cry myself to sleep. I don't know what is wrong with me.
The man I liked so much disappeared. The young-un is work. I'm bored by him. I feel like in 10 years he'll be a great guy, but how do I stay interested for 10 years?
But I ache for a partner. To curl up in bed with someone, his arms around me. I had a massage yesterday, and the masseuse moved my hair out of my face, and she was so gentle, I almost cried.
My ex--in our relationship, it was like 80/20; and the crazy thing is, if he hadn't been pushing for 100-0--I might have been able to live with it. I probably couldn't have lived with his resentment about the fact that I wanted orgasms at least half the time we had sex. But I probably could have lived with the rest, if he'd appreciate the fact that I did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry.
He actually told me after he broke up that he wanted someone who did it without being so needy about appreciation and he thought he deserved that. (Need I mention that we split expenses 50/50? It isn't like his 'job' was to support us and my 'job' was to take care of the house.) And what's more bizarre--he seems to have found it. He has been with this current gal since November, and hasn't bothered to take down his dating profile. I can't imagine a woman ever getting away with that.
Salon.com had a great piece today, reviewing new 'reality' tv shows, about fat gals dating an even fatter guy:
Obviously size is a central issue in these women's lives. But if you took a
group of medium-size single women in their 20s and asked them the same questions
about how successful they've been at finding love, you'd hear variations on the
same theme. Average-looking women would claim that their cute friends get all
the guys. Women with incredible figures would worry that men only like them for
their big racks. Women with advanced degrees would say that men reject them
because they're smart and successful. Assertive women would claim that men don't
like assertiveness while timid women would say that they're too shy to charm
good men.
The real problem is that most men in their 20s aren't all that
serious about finding love, period. They would not like it in a boat, they would
not, could not, with a goat. Sadly, though, instead of identifying the real
cause -- flinchy, commitment-phobic young men -- most women assume that there's
some fatal flaw that prevents them from finding true love.
But it doesn't seem to me like men in their 30s are any different. And I'm just so lonely.
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