Again

Joshua met someone else. So not a surprise. A friend of a friend in a vanilla context. At least he had the kindness to tell me. I'm surprised I'm crying over this. I could tell he was more distant and when he finally wrote today, I was surprised he wrote. But yet another man who doesn't want me…

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm kind, loyal, thoughtful, empathetic, kinky. I love to please. I'm actually kind of cute now. Not traditionally, model cute. But cute. A very handsome, 20-year-old, Australian tried to pick me up last night and when I said "I'm too old for you" he said "What are you, 27?" That was a very nice ego boost. But I don't want a one-night-stand with a 20-year-old. I want a partner in this life. It is so hard to be rejected, over and over and over. And not close off my heart.

Part of me thinks that leaving the country for 5 weeks wasn't exactly the best strategy for keeping Joshua. But I didn't know when we'd meet. And I can't exactly give up my life in order to never go anywhere in case I meet someone.

I'm surprised how sad I am.