When I was in Spain 2 years ago my favorite restaurant in this small town had an open mic night, and I thought about getting up and singing, but I was too scared. John said I should do it, and I said 'make me' and he said he would make me sing karaoke for him, but he never did.
They had open mic night again last night, and again, I chickened out. In part because I'm staying in a different part of town, and have been told it isn't safe to come home past 8, so I left just as they were starting. In part because I wouldn't want to do it, without listening and seeing if I fit in, singing an American song ('Because the Night' is what I would sing, but a capella?). But aside from those perfectly good reasons, I want to try Karaoke. I want to sing. What am I scared of?
I think I was right to not sing Karaoke and my work convention this summer. But there are other Karaoke options, I believe. Seattle is a large town. Somewhere or other, I could sing an old Patty Smith song.
I'm scared of both being too good to be an amateur and not good enough to be a professional. A gal urged on by her boyfriend is far more charming than a gal that puts herself forward.
For years, my brother told the story over and over of how he never knew that I wasn't singing (growing up) just to taunt him. It never occurred to him that I could think I had an OK voice, and so he just assumed I did it to torture him. (Why my adult brother, with a PhD in psychiatry, never thought that repeatedly telling this story could perhaps be hurtful is a bit beyond me. He isn't a bad man, but he can be awfully thoughtless when it comes to me.)
I'm not a bad singer. A few years ago, a neighbor overheard me singing in my apartment and jokingly offered me the lead singing position in his band. But I'm not good enough to be professional. And somehow, if I can't be on Broadway, I don't see any place for me singing at all. I do sing-alongs where everyone is covering everyone else. (I do sometimes go sharp when I'm nervous, but much less so now.) So I know I'm OK, and I somehow feel like being OK means I have less protection from criticism. But why is my life so defined by fear of criticism?
Another example: I'm taking Spanish classes and my teacher this time is just dreadful. Dreadful. But I don't want to get her in trouble, so I'm tolerating dreadful classes for a week and going back to my old school next week. Why am I so scared of someone not liking me? Someone, I might add, who isn't a competent teacher. She shouldn't be teaching. I've literally been spending the breaks trying to google grammar that she is misexplaining. (She said "mio" is a pronoun, and mi is an adjective and mi is for people and mio for objects, none of which is true. And not only is her understanding of grammar and English minimal, the books she is teaching me from are bad. Her dictionary said 'maleta' meant "bungler" in English. And she was really frustrated that I didn't know English. She wrote "bungler" several times, bigger each time. Anyone here pack a bungler when you go on a trip? Rather than say, a suitcase, which is how my dictionary translated it when I got home?) I've taken to designing my own lessons from the books I bought and asking her to go over my homework and follow my workbooks. So my frustration is legitimate. And in all honesty, she probably shouldn't be teaching. She hasn't had the proper training. But I honestly blame the school more than the teacher. They should have some sort of curriculum and some sort of vetting, and I really can't bring myself to get her fired. So I do Connie's little martyr act for a week and tolerate her basically wasting my time so that I don't have to confront her.
I know I must learn to be a little more assertive. But I really don't know how. And the funny thing is, most everyone who knows me, thinks of me as a very aggressive woman who always gets what she wants. And if you tell me you support the tea party movement because they will reduce the deficit, I will absolutely explain, in intense detail, why you are wrong. But that's defending others (honestly, my family did pretty well for itself under the Bush tax cuts. While I care about the long-term health of the country, my passion comes from the damage the Republicans do to the poor). When it comes to defending myself? I didn't ask my brother not to tell the story about what a horrible singer I was until I'd heard him say it a dozen times. I kept thinking he'd get bored with it and move on, as I got more and more and more hurt and angry.
Maybe I want a "Sir" I can look up to, who will protect and cherish me, the way I protect my clients and people who I think are vulnerable. I want to get to be vulnerable one for a change. Because I don't even have a clue how to protect myself the way I protect everyone else I love.
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