2011

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions, per se. But I do find it useful to stop and take stock of where I am in my life and where I want to be.

First up: Men. Or Boys. I'm not sure. The fact that "Joshua" didn't try to connect with me on New Year's Eve (he responded to a text early in the day, but nothing warm or anything) and another guy I went out with, that I'm less interested in and was sort of blowing off, called me at exactly midnight his time feels like it might mean something, but I don't know what exactly. I know Joshua was spending New Year's eve with his ex-wife and their child, and I really respect that. I do really wish he'd found ways to inch me into his life (especially since I know he went on CM more recently than he's called me). I sort of just feel like "He's just not that into you." And I know that I helped sabotage my relationship with "John" by automatically viewing our relationship through that lens--like he had to keep proving to me that he was that into me or else I'd allow my insecurities to shape how I viewed the relationship. Intellectually, I realize that it isn't all about me, and it is easier to surf the web casually than it is to call someone. Emotionally, however, I can feel myself disentangling from him, which is probably good. Even if we do live happily ever after, it all was going much too quickly, and frankly, I need much more information to have it make sense to trust him. The other guy is a sweet man, and if Joshua weren't in the picture, I'd probably be into him, but Joshua is and I'm not. (There's a third man too, whom I haven't met, but who is just moving to Seattle and we've talked a couple of months--he e-mailed me a warm e-mail to wish me a happy new year as well. And a couple of other guys who've been wanting to meet that I've been too busy to see.) I've been somewhat aloof with the others, figuring they'd lose interest. Aloofness doesn't always seem to have that effect on men. Maybe I should be aloof with Joshua. Lol. (From what I know of Joshua, me 'playing' anything, other than maybe chess, would drive him away. Sooner or later, he'd ask what I was feeling, and I'd be honest and he'd be upset if I was playing games. Or maybe I'm projecting onto Joshua, but I don't think so.)

He gets off vacation with his ex-wife right when I leave the country, so no phone calls, I'm afraid. But he said he would e-mail me some 'assignments' for while I was gone, so we'll see if he does. If not, that will be clear. I'm awfully glad we didn't sleep together. I will be sorry if things don't work out, but I'll be just fine. Once again. It's crazy what an impact sex has on my emotions. I can fool around and really not have it bind me emotionally. The guy I dated last year is the only man I've slept with that I wasn't devastated to lose, even though we'd slept together. (And I'd been pretty devastated in the 'losing'--just not in the final loss.)

I wish I could just e-mail and say: "Hey--I'm getting the sense that you have lost interest in me--if I'm wrong, let me know." But I feel like that would be needy--that if anything my neediness might have driven him away (there's nothing else that I could see that would have), but, objectively speaking, I really wasn't that needy. I did send him a text message and an e-mail the same day (the first time I sent a text--I didn't know if he got text messages or not). And I've sent him a few texts since then, letting him know in broad terms when I was free to talk (and when I wouldn't be free to talk). But I don't think 3 or 4 texts in a week is all that needy. But I feel like any display of interest defines me as too needy.

So enough about the boys. (Although it would be nice if at least one turned out to be a man.)

2010 was a very hard year, with John, but I feel like I've come through it much better than I began it.

I feel really good about the changes I've made this year. I'm in much better physical shape, and I'm going to do a triathlon this summer. I'm ice-skating again, working out fairly consistently and I'm enjoying the movement I'm doing. I want to get in better shape this year, but I've really done a good job and if I keep doing what I'm doing, I will. While part of my wants to set numbers, I think that is self-defeating. So just keep doing what I'm doing on that end.

In terms of dating, I think I'm in a good place. I'm really over John. I know I've said that before, but it is different this time. He's gone. As in dead. As in no more casual (and not so casual) e-mails. No more watching his blog. No more avoiding his part of town. No chance of ever seeing or hearing from him again. His memorial didn't feel like closure at the time, but it was in retrospect. I hope he's gone to another place or realm of being, or something. I wish him unconditional love and light and joy and warmth and some energy or being who can see him, see through him, and love him completely. But he's dead. I'm glad I knew him. I'm glad I loved him. I'm glad I knew he loved me, at least on some level. But he's dead. I intend to buy a new ring this year, but I am assuming I will find the ring I wish to buy when it is right. I'm not going out looking for it.

The kinky realm is feeling like it does make sense for me to stay in at this time, at least for now. But more and more, I'm thinking about experimenting with switching. I've noticed that this bifurcation in me is deep, but is getting less jarring. With Joshua I was able to switch back and forth in a paragraph (and I think he really enjoyed that). But it seems like my private, younger, more innocent side is the only side I connect with eros. I don't think that I have found a way for my polished, public persona to be truly erotic, and I wonder if switching might not be a really fun way to do that. I don't know, but that is something I think I might experiment with. If Joshua fizzles, as it seems to be. (There are a few other Dominant men I've been chatting with, and I'll probably keep chatting--no need to burn any bridges.)

Professionally: Honestly, until Joshua, this is the area I've been the least constructive at this year. I kind of hope I don't feel like Joshua has fizzled until I get done with Europe, because he helped me set a goal for my vacation that I'd real like to accomplish, and I doubt I will without feeling that firm guidance. I don't know why I can't seem to get anything done, but I just feel a little lost in that area. I'd rather find boys to flirt with on the internet. And update my blog….

My home: I moved to a beautiful house this year. You can see the Puget Sound from my back porch. But it still isn't well put-together. I seem to just really not accomplish anything when it comes to my home. (And I don't cook much either.) I think that I feel that I'm not worth putting together a lovely home for. I know if I had a family, I'd never live the way I do. But I think that maybe I need to put together the life I want, instead of waiting for the family.

So, my goals for 2011.

a) I want to be engaged by 2012. To someone I love, trust, respect and crave. Someone with good communication and fabulous sex. It isn't really a goal, because I can't do it on my own. But that's what I want.

b) I want to be in better physical shape. If I could hit a size 8 (a real size 8--not a Nordstrom's 8), that would be amazing, but I think it is a bad idea to set it as a goal. I want to be stronger physically (especially increase my cardio endurance) and eating a little less processed foods.

c) At least one article accepted for publication (by June 1). Preferably 2. And a full rewrite of the current romance novel (by June 1).

d) I'd like my home to feel as lovely and welcoming and holding as my mother's home. Probably it won't--she's had a hell of a lot more money and time. But I'd really like it to feel more like that and less like a grad student's apartment.

e) I would like to consume less media. My list of podcasts grew exponentially this year. I just unsubscribed from:

a. Keith Olbermann (3 and a half hours a week)

b. Washington Week in Review (half an hour a week)

c. BBC Global update (3 and a third hours a week)

d. TED Talks (I don't know how many a week, but I didn't listen consistently)

e. Fresh Air (I will still listen occasionally, but not the 5 hours a week I had been)

f. This Week (with Christiane Amapour) (45 mins a week)

g. Jim Lehrer Newshour (5 hours a week)

and a few others. What is scary is that is over 17 hours a week that I was listening to consistently. My life seems to be better when I listen to more music and less news. I need to do that.

Take better care of myself on a joyful, playful, loving, generous level. This year I started ice-skating again and playing on the swings in the park. I love both. I want to go to a water park this summer, and buy mangosteen even when it costs too much and ride in the front of a roller-coaster, even when it means waiting in line. I would go out of my way to make that happen for anyone I love, if they wanted to. I need to make it happen for me.

Well, it's midnight. Wheeeeeee…….. Happy 2011. To everyone. May John rest in peace and may all the rest of us find true, authentic joy.