Ghosts

So here I am in my favorite town in Spain, and this is where I was more in love with John than I've ever been with anyone in my whole life. Actually, come to think of it, I was in love with two men here--John and a guy I'll call "Barry" (which was a different sort of crush and broke my heart more slowly). I was sick one night, and stuck in the hostel on a Friday night and said something like I needed someone to read me to sleep, and he kept sending me mp3s of poems he recorded for me. I suppose it makes sense that we were more perfect when we were on different continents. And I was also here just before Barry's inauguration and had to change my trip home in time to pick up my ticket .

So much hope for the future in this little town. And yet, that's OK. I remember where I was when I sang "I'm in love with a wonderful guy" (yes, on the outskirts of this little Spanish town--I'm sure they appreciated it!), and I can smile at the joy I felt and hope to feel that again for someone. Although I'm afraid Barry has broken my heart in ways that I doubt I'll love another politician the same. (And I wasn't even as into him as my friends. Alas, he just wasn't that into the folks that got him elected. I know I was going to try and not see the world through that prism, but oh, Barry, why can't you be into me and your progressive base the way we were into you? We adored you!!! Why do you pretend we didn't bring you to the dance? I'm cuter than John Bohner--really I am! And way more into you than he will ever be!!! Ah well, you've got those "God why don't you love me? Oh, you do? I'll see you later! Blues.")

Joshua seems MIA, but he hasn't checked in on CollarMe either, so we're going to go with 'he has a life' for the moment. Although I seriously doubt he just has a life. He's had too much of a life for me to not feel like I'm being blown off. Unlike me. No matter how much I pretend to have a life. But I have nearly finished the first article I'm working on. It will be finished by the weekend. Somehow, even the possibility of Joshua caring seems to have a good influence. And Romanian hostels with no wifi! But I wish he'd either show up, or tell me he's lost interest. One or the other.

The other guy, that I went out with once: he offered to fly over and spend the weekend with me! This is maybe the most romantic thing anyone has ever offered. It is funny--I tried to tempt John to do so 2 years ago, but he couldn't get off work. If Joshua offered, I'd be doing summersaults. I haven't returned the other guy's e-mail, and I'll probably laugh it off. It is SO sweet, and yet I'm SO not ready, willing or interested to sleep with him. Even if Joshua disappears completely, I'm not ready to sleep with the other guy. Willing to consider coffee again if Joshua disappears, however. I seem to have those:

God why don't you love me, oh you do? I'll see you later blues!
Those long as you ignore me you're the only thing that matters feelings!
Those: If I'm good enough for you, you're not good enough. ...
Those Don't come any closer cause you know how much I love you feelings.

Well, gentle reader (and yes, I expect the singular is appropriate, if you exist at all), I'm afraid that blogger is spell-checking this document in Spanish, so you'll have to forgive any typos.