Dating

I've been out 4 times over the last month-and-a-half with a sweet man, whom I feel really hopeful about.  Let's call him Philip. (We would have been out more, but I've been travelling.)

I'm reluctant to put many details up.  I feel like he isn't the kind of man I'd share this blog with, for a very long time, if ever.  I might, in a few months, mention I used to have a blog and tell him why I don't think it makes sense to give him the URL (as in, does he really want to read all my naval gazing?  And if he has my blog URL, I would totally expect him to read the naval gazing, and does that make sense?).

That said, Philip is courting me in a most decidedly vanilla way.  We've been out 4 times (usually for at least 6 hours a time) and talked on the phone, probably another 20 hours or so.  We have kissed passionately, but nothing more.  Yesterday, after the movies, we went to a bar and I had a couple of drinks and he made it clear he wanted to know more about why I would be on collarme rather than eharmony.  I was on a bench, in the corner of the restaurant, and he was next to me.  And he said 'I don't want you to feel trapped--you can leave any time you wish, or we can trade places.'  And I told him I sort of liked him having me against a wall.  I thought it was sweet.  It was a very sweet way for him to start dominating me, and also sexy.  It made me feel secure.  (We even exchanged last names!)

I get the sense that Philip struggled as much to accept kink as I did (or maybe not quite as much, but an awful lot).  I said on the 1st or 2nd date that I wanted a good man with a wicked streak, not vice-versa, and he said that yes, he was a good man and his wicked streak was kink.  (He also passed the baked goods test with flying colors.)

Of course, we're in the very early phases, where everything seems perfect.  But right now, he is thoughtful and dominate, while being sensitive.  He didn't understand what I meant about tone at first, but he really seemed to get what I meant by the time we got done talking.  We've also managed to have a level of openness about the early aspects of our interest in the other (and our both testing the other--he had tests for me too, which I found very amusing and he was shocked about my baked goods test because it seemed so obvious to him.  He said showing up for the date was a test for me and I laughed.  Also the fact that I looked like the person in my photos.  Although he encouraged me to be me even more careful with personal information.  He said I shouldn't send a photo that has been in any other place on the internet because google can track that down!  Ouch! And he thought I should use a fake name, rather than a homonym of my name.)

I'm also aware that I'm a really different woman with him than I used to be.  MaxEarnest has given me a confidence that isn't like the confidence I used to try and fake.  Even thought I've gained about 10 pounds (oy) since I first started dating MaxEarnest (how do I enjoy food and not gain weight?  That is a whole other issue), I feel really comfortable in my own skin.  Despite a few wrinkles around my eyes (only when I smile!) I don't think I've ever looked more attractive.  I'm even comfortable with how drastic the switch is when I'm submissive and when I'm not.  Philip certainly noticed it when he grabbed my hair, and then he experimented with putting one of my arms behind my back.  It has been fun and I don't feel the need to apologize for it. I've always felt a little embarrassed about being submissive, but I don't anymore.

Philip commented that is was hard for him to accept being dominate because he couldn't imagine why any woman would want to submit, which is interesting because it was hard for me to accept being submissive because I didn't intellectually think I should accept what the fabric of my eros craved.  Sort of weird mirrors of the same thing.

I'm sure I'll be back with all my angst on the blog.  Or maybe not.  Maybe it isn't fair to Philip if I blog with my angst in a place where MaxEarnest can read it and he doesn't know it exists.  I'm not sure.  I suppose I'll feel it out as I go along.  But at the moment, I'm feeling pretty optimistic and well-adjusted.  Which is a really boring place to blog from! So for the time being, I'm doing pretty darn well!