Giving Men, Taking Men and Mad Men

Can’t say that was an episode of Mad Men I wanted to watch with my dad....

So, spoiler alert. Don gets very Dom-y with his mistress.  He overhears her yelling at her husband (whom Don clearly adores) and gets very dominating. Or was that domineering. Anyway, he orders her to find his shoes on her hands and knees, and she doesn't (although she does find his shoes and put them on for him).  Then he orders her naked in bed and leaves for hours.  Calls her, then orders her not to answer the phone, or get out of bed, but there's a box waiting for her by the door, orders her to just exist only to please him.

It was so weird to watch it, because on one level, it would be the kind of thing that I find very hot.  And it really wasn't.  And it wasn't just that I was watching it with my dad.  It is that is was Don Draper, being Don Draper.  Using the women in his life for his pleasure and not giving a damn about them.  When he ordered her to wait (while he flew upstate to a business meeting), he took her book, so she had nothing to do.  When she was hungry, he ignored it.

And here's the thing, I think there are probably as many Don-Doms as there are MaxEarnest Doms.  Some men get off on control, but they are very giving.  I guess they are controlling-givers, perhaps protectors is a good label. MaxEarnest was a protector.  Other men either get off on taking, or they're just selfish and kink is a cover for the fact that they are self-centered.  They don't worry about other people's needs first.  They just take and take and take.  They don't care what turns their sub on, or weigh the benefits to one versus the costs to the other.  If it turns them on for 2 moments to think of their mistress in a hotel room, waiting for him, they'll take her book, because they don't actually care about her, only what she can do for him.  And when they finally meet up, he doesn't even acknowledge or appreciate the fact that she was just waiting there all day.  It is like her time doesn't matter. He'd never offer to wait for her. It is only what he wants! The ex was a taking-dom. As are the majority of men I've attracted.

The funny thing is, I love giving.  But I must have what I give noticed and appreciated and I need some attempt at reciprocity. Chivalry is lovely.  I want a man who will notice a puddle and turn me away.  A man who will, on the ballroom dance floor, literally have my back and allow me to trust him to lead because he will protect me. I think ballroom dancing needs to be a metaphor for kink for me.  I will obey him and he will protect me and give me a chance to shine. Chances are, I may give more; I seem to in many relationships.  But it should be somewhat balanced.

I've also noticed that when I'm with a taking man, I'm not secure in the relationship.  My energy feels more hyper.  I'm scared I'll do something wrong and he won't love me because he doesn't love me, only what I can do for him.  I have to scan things constantly to avoid mistakes and as I become more perfectionistic  he can become more critical. And when I was with MaxEarnest, I relaxed into the relationship.  My energy was more grounded.  I think I became more secure and beautiful, because he loved me.  ME!  I wasn't interchangeable.  And that was deeply beautiful.

Mad Men is so brilliant for many reasons, but I think watching Don Draper over time and being initially very attracted to him and then slowly repelled more and more has been so important for me!  It's funny--I told Mr. A-Cup (did I blog about him?  Guy on a date tells me he prefers women who are an A-cup, then sees a woman who is an A-cup (actually, I think she was more of a B) who was in the bar with her husband, and tells me how attractive she is!  Anyway I told Mr. A-Cup that he reminded me of Don Draper, and he said "thank you."  And it made me realize that a few years ago that would have been a compliment. Part of that is definitely the way the series has changed, but I think part of that has been me maturing a little bit too.

I have a new test for any guy I go out with.  On the 3rd date (give or take one) I bake something and bring him something.  Not huge, maybe half a loaf of homemade bread, or something like that.  (I usually check the morning of saying "hey--I made bread--want some?")  The test is that he needs to thank me for it.  It can be a text message or an e-mail.  He doesn't have to call.  But if he doesn't, then he really isn't a good fit for me.  I need someone that will appreciate my bread enough to tell me.  Of the four men I've made it to a third date with, only one has passed my test.