The Games we Play

Intellectually, I think everything with Philip is going really well.  I think the fact we haven't ripped each other's clothes off yet is a good sign.  I approve.

But when I got home from our last date, I ached to be touched.  And I couldn't fantasize about anything because I don't know enough yet what he likes to fantasize what we'd do.

I'm aware that there is a language of eros that is rewritten by each man I'm with.  So at the moment I'm in this liminal place that isn't a good liminal.  Bad liminal!

He called yesterday and we talked for over an hour.  But he didn't call today.  I sent an e-mail, but I know he doesn't check that e-mail often and I don't think I should call.  I really think women have to let men set the pace that the man wants.  It sucks!  I hate saying that!  But when I want more in a relationship that isn't yet defined, it usually scares the guy off.

I have been very hard to get, not because I was playing games, but because first I went on a cruise and then I went to visit my dad, and he clearly retained interest through all that.  I have a long trip planned next month too, and the brain part of me thinks we should hold off on actual intercourse until I get home because I don't want him to lose interest while I'm gone.  I will end up playing it by ear, and probably just follow whatever pace he sets.  Truthfully, I ache to surrender.  He's got my mind.  I hope he take my body soon!

Update: 2 hours later I phoned.  Left a voice mail saying "I didn't realize tomorrow as a holiday, so I'm not working. In case you don't have plans, give me a call."
Intellectually, I don't think I should have done it.  But I'm also pretty secure in it.
There are times I want attention, like a little girl wanting attention. And when it is that, I think I'm really right to resist.  But I think I also have to figure out how to just be me and have that be OK too.  I'm not sure the right balance.