Standards

You are the promised kiss of springtime

That makes the lonely winter seem long...

(oops--wrong standard...)

I spent the weekend with Dotty--she had a friend's wedding to attend on my coast, but only really had about 8 hours of time requirements spread out over 3 days.  I flew down to meet her and we spent the weekend together.  In addition to Dotty, I hung out with her friend that got married and also met Dotty's cousin, that cousin's husband and their friends.   I really liked Dotty's cousin and their friends.  They seemed lovely, grounded, joyful, engaged, smart, funny, plain people.  So much of the world I travel in feels very image conscious.  I'm far more image conscious than I ever thought I would be.  These people were the people I always wanted to be.  But I feel like men, for the most part, judge me on my looks first and foremost, and I've just sort of resigned myself to that being the way it is.  I still don't do anything extreme, like wear daily makeup, but I do an awful lot to try and fit into the rather small box that is conventional feminine beauty.

 Dotty's friend tried to set Dotty up with two different men and Dotty had no interest in either.  One was boring and the other was a little blah.  It made me realize that Dotty and I approach dating very differently.  Dotty needs a reason to be interested in someone.  I need a reason not to be.  Or maybe, I should put that a different way--being kinky is enough of a reason for me to be initially interested in a guy, barring something else. I think I treat vanilla men the way Dotty treats all men.  And  if I've been out with a kinky guy 3 times, and I'm still not interested, I let it go, but for a date? I totally don't expect to have a "this-is-what-I-like-about-this-man."  

Although, that isn't actually true.  There are men on CM who have 1-line profiles and they write me one-line responses.  One, recently, had a Boston Redsocks hat in his profile photo, so I asked if he was from Boston, since I grew up in the area. I also asked what else we might have in common and he said "No--I just like the Red Socks. What we have in common? I'm a single Dom."  I ignored all his other e-mails after that, because to me, the lack of an ability to start a conversation (and my profile is super-long, specifically so someone can identify where we have common interests!) was a reason not to go out with him.  (I think I actually do that with lots of men--I really do expect someone who can carry his half of the conversation, and when his profile is non-existent, I expect him to carry a lot more than half.)  But I don't think of that as high standards.  I just think of that as necessary.  Dotty meanwhile has what I consider crazy-high standards.  Dotty is absolutely convinced that we will both fall in love with men worth marrying; I'm not at all convinced for myself, and even less convinced for Dotty (as she doesn't do on-line dating, only considers men with graduate degrees and is very, very picky even with those requirements).  I think she is the most amazing person.  I love her SO much.  But I guess i don't have a lot of faith in the universe for either of us.

Values

Philip is a member of the NRA.  (Not the National Recovery Administration. Not the Negotianion Recreational Abilities.  Not Nebraskan Recreating Afternoons.  The N.R.A.

We have a lot of other values in common.  He believes in helping people who are poor.  He believes in public educations.  He isn't racist (although I don't think he has close associations with people who aren't white).

How important is this?

Interesting conversation with an OKCupid guy (let's call him Rand Paul Ryan), whom I wasn't really interested in, but he kept pestering me.  His profile was totally blank, but I finally called him and he asked if someone had to agree with me on every political point.  I said no, but I wanted someone who cared about making the world a little better for people with the least and he said "wow--that sounds like a college student. I never think about making the world better, and I have no interest in doing that."  He did me the favor of saying "This isn't going to work. Bye."  If he hadn't said that, I might have felt obligated to see if there was a way to try--I can't imagine saying something like that to someone.  But I was relieved he did.

What kind of values are essential?  At what point as I being silly about this all.  I was frankly shocked that OKCupid guy would be so totally dismissive of the very idea of trying to make the world a little better.  That seems so foundational to me.  But do I need someone who believes that?  Or only someone who would support me in doing that.  Obviously Rand Paul Ryan is not someone I could be with. But what is essential?  Could I live with someone that had a gun?  Sure--we had one growing up.  (Of course, it was a Civil War musket from our family, but it was a gun.)  Could I marry someone that had a family membership to the NRA?  Could I have a gun and ammunition in a house if I had a child?  Philip said he didn't know if George Zimmerman was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, and that deeply bothered me.  I clung to the beyond a reasonable doubt and didn't push it any further.  He did say the Republicans are crazy and he has no choice but to vote Democrat.  But what if he said Zimmerman did the right thing?  Philip is an amazing kisser.  I can talk on the phone with him for 4 hours.  We think at similar speeds with similarly coterminous tangents.  We have complementary curiosities.   

According to St. Sondheim 7:1:10 (the 7th show (that he wrote music and lyrics for), the 1st act, the 10th song), the key to life is "letting go your illusions and don't confuse it with dreams."  But hell the hell do you figure out what is an illusion and what's a dream?  What's essential here and what's not?  Dotty thinks I should give up on Philip (and I am talking with other people, which he knows) because he has been distant for the last 6 weeks or so. For her, talking to the people you love when you're blue is essential. It is for me too, but Philip and I don't love each other. At least not yet.  I think we could.  I get the sense that if Philip and I do get to the point that he opens up, trust me, and loves me, he would be very, very loyal and he would talk to me when things were hard.  

It's all so confusing!  I really wish a burning bush would just tell me what to do!

Male privilege

In March I had a series of conversations with a guy who lives about 500 miles south of me.  I tried to make it clear that I wouldn't casually quit my job to be with him and he got persistent, so I wrote about a page about why quitting my job is just not an option for me.  He wrote "TMI but thanks and OK," which really annoyed me.  He had been pressuring me and when I explained he said "TMI."  Today he wrote me:

Him  Still admiring greatly 

Me: Too much information aside! If only we could get teleporting down.... 

Him I am extremely attracted to you

Me: Thank you. But, as we both know, I'm not geographically mobile. Alas 

Him Seems like some reparation ought to be made with this strong a feeling. 

I was deeply offended, and frankly shocked.  On what planet does a man demand "reparation" because, after blowing a gal off with a "TMI" when she talks openly about her concerns and then  months later, is still attracted to her?  Where on earth does a man's attraction entitle him to  "reparations?"

But here is the sad interesting thing.  Intellectually, I was pissed.  But emotionally, I felt bad (although less so after that comment). I do feel guilty if I blow a guy off who is interested in me.  I don't think it is a lack of self-esteem, although maybe that is part of it.  But it isn't kind.  I want to be kind to people.  I try and find the kindest way to tell someone I'm not interested.  I do not feel like I have the right to hurt people.  I've been blown off.  I know it hurts.  (I also intellectually know it is inevitable.  But I've gone on second dates with guys only because I feel bad saying no. I've kissed guys I wasn't attracted to for the same reason.  Never more than kissing.  But it has happened.)

It is funny, because I do think pre-MaxEarnest, I would have convinced myself this was flattering.  

Hottie Entitlement

The truth is that I would really like one more friend.  I miss Dotty so much and while she claims to be moving back in 2015, I also know that when she pushed the year back another year, she also lost some of her clarity that she would be moving back.

With that as a backdrop, I went whitewater rafting today.  It was actually a fluke--when Tony and I were still dating, I bought groupons for 2 (and he was supposed to buy 2 so we could take two trips together, as it was his idea, and never bothered).  I knew there wouldn't be many men on the trip (and I was right), but I was hoping to make a female friend, but it was frustrating.

First of all, I have a fact fetish.  There was woman I sort of likes, and could have seen getting to know.  But, she said that Portland was in Massachusetts, and I said "No, it is is Maine." And she said "No, I read this book and it all takes place in Massachusetts and the couple went there."  And I have family from there; I grew up 2 hours from there.  It is in Maine."  And she sort of huffed and we didn't talk much after that.

So there are two things to be learned from that.  A) she was wrong and b) I alienated someone who could possibly have been a friend.  Probably not--I have enough a fact fetish and she clearly doesn't care as much, so I expect something else would have arisen if I just said "oh, I thought it was in Maine."  But I'm also incapable of letting a wrong-fact stand.  I don't know why I care.

The other incident was more interesting. I got in the boat with the guide (male, but not my type and doesn't live in my state) and a nice guy from my area and 2 women, both of whom could maybe be called "hot."  Not super-hot, but still hot.  The guide had said he wanted people with experience canoeing or kayaking in the front, and I was the only one with experience, so I was going to get in the front, but the two hot girls wanted in the front and sort of just stepped in front of me and the guide didn't say anything.  Then one of the girls got scared of a tree coming towards us (because she's scared of spiders, and she thought the trees had spiders in them), leaned back and whacked me in the face with her oar.  It hurt like hell, but no lasting damage.  But the guys were actually more concerned for her than for me.  It really made me sad and alienated. It also made me realize the way that women compete for attention.  By that point in the day, I sort of knew I wasn't interested in either guy.  But, frankly, after being hit in the face with an oar, I would actually have liked the guide to tell her to be more careful.  

There is a beauty entitlement in our society that is, in some ways, akin to male privilege and it is really ugly.  I did play into that ditzy "Oh my god, can you kill the bug for me? You can?! You must be a God!" for a decade because I thought that men wanted it.  And the sad fact is, the majority of them do want it.  Not all.  But a majority.  I alternate between sadness, anger and cynicism.  None of which are particularly attractive or good for the energy I want in my life.

A whole new set of cells

They say your body replaces all its cells every seven years...

Really interesting lunch with this guy today--let's call him Paul.

I had dinner with Paul in 2005 or 2006, not sure which.  And he was one of the first men I ever met on CollarMe.  I still remember what I was wearing that night.  I had lost enough weight that my cutest skirt was no long so cute, and I'd put a safety pin in the side to keep it from falling to my hips.  We went to a neighborhood restaurant, half a block from where I lived back then.  He had just moved back to Seattle, after spending 10 years in Boston, and the connection with my home town made him feel far more in my world.  I love Seattle, but in many ways, I still have Boston edges that never rubbed off.  He and I had a lot of similar cultural reference points.  And then he never asked me out again.  According to my e-mail, we corresponded in 2010, 2011, and then he e-mailed me about a month ago, and I said "seeing someone" but this morning (before Philip called me), I e-mailed him and said "back on the West Coast and unattached" and he called me half an hour later and we met for lunch.

It was fun.  I can't read him, which probably means he isn't that interested. But he did grab my hair 3 times (and my CM profile makes it very clear that that is one of my favorite things in the world, and then he confirmed with me, probably more to watch me blush than anything else). 

I have to say, I'm a far better date now than I was 7 years ago.  My new cells don't carry all the shame that my old ones did.  I have a confidence that isn't faked.  He actually asked what I remembered about our last date and I told him about what I was wearing.  He was surprised, and then I told him he was one of the very first people I met from CM, and I had been SO nervous.  It was really nice to just be honest and open, rather than all the game playing I used to do.  I guess that's where the confidence comes from.  It was kind of like seeing my ex boyfriend last month, to see how much more comfortable I am in their presence and how much more fun it is to date from confidence.

So, who knows?  If he calls, I'll go out with him again.  And if Philip can communicate more openly about what is going on with him, I really do like Philip.  And if someone else appears, well I have to say, this week has been productive.  And I need to date.  I'm much happier when I'm dating!  Much, much, much happier!

Ok...

Philip called while I was getting dressed to have coffee with another man, who I had dinner with in 2005 (one of my first kinky dates ever) and who has e-mailed me every couple of years, but always when I was with someone else.

We had a nice talk. He apologized a lot; he's been blue.  I told him I'd call him this evening.  Life is weird!

Roller Coaster

It has been a roller-coaster of a week, and I question the health of my underlying emotional place.

I turned my OKCupid profile back on on Wednesday, figuring I only ever meet vanilla guy son OKCupid, so it wouldn't really mean anything.  But I was just feeling so sad and lonely!

Philip is basically gone.  Friday I figured it was enough.  A couple of texts a week doth not a relationship make.  I finally texted him. In retrospect, I should have said it better.  But I said something like "It feels passive aggressive to just unhide my profile, but I think you wouldn't care if I did."  I guess, in retrospect, I should have phrased it better.  But I was just at a point where I couldn't handle what felt like being strung along.  He didn't text back.  So that is that. He's just not that into me.

Meanwhile, a decidedly non-vanilla guy on OKCupid came after me pretty hard. We talked for about 12 hours on the phone between Wedensday and Saturday. He didn't have a picture. We had brunch on Saturday and I hate to say it, but I just don't feel any chemistry there.  He is really into me, which is sweet but awkward. I feel bad, sort of like I don't have the right to turn someone down.  He smokes and he just has that puffy I-don't-exercise look.  And he is very loud.  People in the restaurant stopped to look at us several times because he'd yell to the waiter across the room and a fellow patron with her umbrella fell on his foot.  I felt awkward. And, frankly, I don't like how he kisses.  I like how Philip kisses.  This guy french kissed too quickly and too, I don't know.  His whole tongue felt like it was pushing its way in.  He didn't leave space for me to join him. I'm probably not a very submissive kisser. I like a kiss to be more like a dance than a jousting match. It didn't feel erotic; it felt aerobic. 

I miss Dotty.  I even thought about going back to church because I'm just so damn lonely.  And I don't believe in God, but I SO miss the people I used to go to church with, back when I was trying to believe in God.  I don't have a single good friend left in the area. I've been productive this month, but I have no one to celebrate any victories with. I've even thought about moving, but I can't afford to quit my job. I'd never get another job halfway near as good as what I have. When a teacher at the gym remembered me this week and gave me a hug, I almost cried--someone remembered me!  I feel so invisible most of the time.

I don't know how to find another Dotty any more than I know how to find a man like MaxEarnest whole lives in this country.  I'm deeply sad. I'm too strong to give up in the long run. But in the short run, I just want to listen to Beethoven or Sondheim and cry.