Hottie Entitlement

The truth is that I would really like one more friend.  I miss Dotty so much and while she claims to be moving back in 2015, I also know that when she pushed the year back another year, she also lost some of her clarity that she would be moving back.

With that as a backdrop, I went whitewater rafting today.  It was actually a fluke--when Tony and I were still dating, I bought groupons for 2 (and he was supposed to buy 2 so we could take two trips together, as it was his idea, and never bothered).  I knew there wouldn't be many men on the trip (and I was right), but I was hoping to make a female friend, but it was frustrating.

First of all, I have a fact fetish.  There was woman I sort of likes, and could have seen getting to know.  But, she said that Portland was in Massachusetts, and I said "No, it is is Maine." And she said "No, I read this book and it all takes place in Massachusetts and the couple went there."  And I have family from there; I grew up 2 hours from there.  It is in Maine."  And she sort of huffed and we didn't talk much after that.

So there are two things to be learned from that.  A) she was wrong and b) I alienated someone who could possibly have been a friend.  Probably not--I have enough a fact fetish and she clearly doesn't care as much, so I expect something else would have arisen if I just said "oh, I thought it was in Maine."  But I'm also incapable of letting a wrong-fact stand.  I don't know why I care.

The other incident was more interesting. I got in the boat with the guide (male, but not my type and doesn't live in my state) and a nice guy from my area and 2 women, both of whom could maybe be called "hot."  Not super-hot, but still hot.  The guide had said he wanted people with experience canoeing or kayaking in the front, and I was the only one with experience, so I was going to get in the front, but the two hot girls wanted in the front and sort of just stepped in front of me and the guide didn't say anything.  Then one of the girls got scared of a tree coming towards us (because she's scared of spiders, and she thought the trees had spiders in them), leaned back and whacked me in the face with her oar.  It hurt like hell, but no lasting damage.  But the guys were actually more concerned for her than for me.  It really made me sad and alienated. It also made me realize the way that women compete for attention.  By that point in the day, I sort of knew I wasn't interested in either guy.  But, frankly, after being hit in the face with an oar, I would actually have liked the guide to tell her to be more careful.  

There is a beauty entitlement in our society that is, in some ways, akin to male privilege and it is really ugly.  I did play into that ditzy "Oh my god, can you kill the bug for me? You can?! You must be a God!" for a decade because I thought that men wanted it.  And the sad fact is, the majority of them do want it.  Not all.  But a majority.  I alternate between sadness, anger and cynicism.  None of which are particularly attractive or good for the energy I want in my life.