Roller Coaster

It has been a roller-coaster of a week, and I question the health of my underlying emotional place.

I turned my OKCupid profile back on on Wednesday, figuring I only ever meet vanilla guy son OKCupid, so it wouldn't really mean anything.  But I was just feeling so sad and lonely!

Philip is basically gone.  Friday I figured it was enough.  A couple of texts a week doth not a relationship make.  I finally texted him. In retrospect, I should have said it better.  But I said something like "It feels passive aggressive to just unhide my profile, but I think you wouldn't care if I did."  I guess, in retrospect, I should have phrased it better.  But I was just at a point where I couldn't handle what felt like being strung along.  He didn't text back.  So that is that. He's just not that into me.

Meanwhile, a decidedly non-vanilla guy on OKCupid came after me pretty hard. We talked for about 12 hours on the phone between Wedensday and Saturday. He didn't have a picture. We had brunch on Saturday and I hate to say it, but I just don't feel any chemistry there.  He is really into me, which is sweet but awkward. I feel bad, sort of like I don't have the right to turn someone down.  He smokes and he just has that puffy I-don't-exercise look.  And he is very loud.  People in the restaurant stopped to look at us several times because he'd yell to the waiter across the room and a fellow patron with her umbrella fell on his foot.  I felt awkward. And, frankly, I don't like how he kisses.  I like how Philip kisses.  This guy french kissed too quickly and too, I don't know.  His whole tongue felt like it was pushing its way in.  He didn't leave space for me to join him. I'm probably not a very submissive kisser. I like a kiss to be more like a dance than a jousting match. It didn't feel erotic; it felt aerobic. 

I miss Dotty.  I even thought about going back to church because I'm just so damn lonely.  And I don't believe in God, but I SO miss the people I used to go to church with, back when I was trying to believe in God.  I don't have a single good friend left in the area. I've been productive this month, but I have no one to celebrate any victories with. I've even thought about moving, but I can't afford to quit my job. I'd never get another job halfway near as good as what I have. When a teacher at the gym remembered me this week and gave me a hug, I almost cried--someone remembered me!  I feel so invisible most of the time.

I don't know how to find another Dotty any more than I know how to find a man like MaxEarnest whole lives in this country.  I'm deeply sad. I'm too strong to give up in the long run. But in the short run, I just want to listen to Beethoven or Sondheim and cry.