Needs that Matter

I’m 38 years old. And more than anything, I want someone who would put me first. A man I’ve been flirting with, who seems quite compatible on many realms, but he repeats the line ‘you would come second. Literally.” And I think, no.

My parents never put my needs first. Part of the ‘me’ generation, they figured their needs came first. This imprinted on me time and time again. I’m continually shocked when I see my friends putting their kids’ needs first. Sometimes at great sacrifice, sometimes at mild inconvenience. I never had that. And how does that affect the D/s dynamic?

To me, ideally, we both put each other first. I don’t know that I can be with someone who puts himself before me and also expects me to put him before me. But I naturally put other people’s needs first. That is quite natural to me. I don’t know how to put my own needs first, and I don’t enjoy it. It brings me no joy to put my needs at the top and then fulfill them.

With my ex, I went along with the line that my needs weren’t as important. But I would argue that my needs mattered. I think we literally discussed whether my needs counted for 40% (which I was pushing for) or 20%, which was his view. I somehow believe if I lived that life, I would come to accept it. In fact, just the opposite happened—I came to see why that wouldn’t work for me.

Steven, on the other hand, put my needs first. And that was lovely. An incredible gift. But Steven seemed an anomaly, and he made his decision.

Part of me, a big part of me, doesn’t believe I deserve to have my needs put first. And there are 2 contradicting reasons for it. The first is quite simply that I’m a grown up now. I need to get over the wounds of childhood and take care of myself and in the real world, people do not put other people’s needs first. Except I always do. But aside from that, people don’t/ I put my sister and my parents’ needs ahead of my own in my dealings with them, and I don’t know that they even notice. If they do, they take it for granted. Although, I do think they noticed that I moved to another coast and only see them once a year. But other than that, I don’t do a good job of setting boundaries with them. I never do a good job of setting boundaries with anyone. I always want to take care of the people I love.

The second issue is that I’m not thin. I’m not huge. I can shop for clothes in the regular stores. In the whole D/s world, there are a lot of women that make me look thing. But my tummy isn’t flat. It jiggles. You can’t count my ribs. Who would want to be a with a woman if you can’t count her ribs?

When I saw the pictures of ‘Kristen,” I was surprised because she just didn’t seem like that big a deal. She seemed like the minimum of what you would expect from someone you might love. Never mind that I don’t think the governor loved her. My guess is he couldn’t love anyone who didn’t even know what he did. I doubt he respected her. But he clearly wanted to have sex with her an my little mind has interwoven the issues of who you’d love with who your fantasy chick is.

And then there is the whole D/x issue. Is this endemic to all the D/s relationship? Is it endemic to male female relationships? Is it too much to wish that someone would take care of me, just in a difference way? Someone would want to have that level of control, to thrive off it, to get hard from it, but not to abuse it for his own gain? I truly want someone who would put my needs first.

That said, I wonder how important it would be for someone to acknowledge my needs as mattering? Does that affect the whole D/s dynamic if I force him to acknowledge it? The guy I’m flirting with right now, let’s call him, Greg, I think he would meet my needs. I think he would actually really enjoy my orgasms. But I think he would argue that my needs are secondary to his. Does that abstraction matter?

I want someone who will spoil me rotten. Who will put me on a pedestal and worship me. And grab me by the hair, throw me over the couch and spank me. Is that too much to ask for? Probably. Especially when I throw in all the other things I want (someone I can look up to, respect, admire, who has intelligence and quick wit.) But this is an issue that I think will return to. I’m not sure what it means. Maybe Steven is right and I should just look for eharmony. But I need someone who can actually tame me, and I don’t think any of the men could there.